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My Failures as a Father

733823_10152715963490643_1800426956_nOn Sunday for Father’s Day we looked at my failures as a Father. We looked at three major ones I’ve had in: attention, ownership of reactions, and affirmation.

The first failure was how I noticed Hudson had to get my attention often when I was at home. I was at home, but not “at home” really. But this isn’t the example of God. We never have to grab God’s attention, convince him to look our way, or ask for his time. We always have it, and isn’t that a wonderful feeling? Knowing that when you turn to him he is already fully there invested and listening? What if we took that practice into our relationships? That’s one failure, and one example of a place where I think we can all grow and change our relationships.

The second was with ownership of reactions. Whenever my boys do something wrong and I get that feeling of anger, punishment, or judgement welling up within me. I know that I have work to do inwardly. My boys can’t make me yell, can’t make me mad, can’t make me act ungraciously or without gentleness. I need to own those initial gut reactions. Or put another way, anything that comes out of me, is because of me. That’s how Jesus puts it in Matthew 7 that trees bear fruit from what’s within. That means my boys, your boss, your spouse can’t make you act meanly. That’s our personal responsibility to own. So what I realized is that before I can ever help guide my boys in the right direction, I need to ask Jesus’ advice, focus on my own stuff, get it right and then help my boys. Jesus uses the example of getting rid of the plank in our eye before trying to get out anyone else’s speck. What he’s saying is own and deal with your stuff, your junk, your less-than-Jesus-like reactions, then deal with others. So I learned I need to start with me before I can be really in the right space to help my boys.

The last failure I’ve learned from is lacking affirmation in my boys. It’s not that I don’t affirm the great things in my boys, I do, but not enough. As I read the gospels and the New Testament, Paul, Jesus, and other writers are consistently and constantly affirming who we are in Christ. They say we’re new creations, holy, pure, loved, chosen, desired, adopted, and fully connected to Christ. They are constantly reminding us who we are. And I need to do that with my boys. I need to constantly be reminding them of who they are, so that they know how to live. I need to tell them that they are good, loved, smart, fun, and beautiful so that they will begin to believe it about themselves, and live up to it. In essence, I need to affirm in them who they already are, and who they are becoming.

We ended with simply recognizing how powerful, if we just learned from these three failures, how our lives could impact others. What if in our significant relationships we show deep attention? What if we always deal with our stuff before ever helping others with their stuff? What if people realized that we are always affirming who they are and who they are becoming? How might those actions change your marriage, your children, your family, friends, and neighbors? I think it would change them a lot. If when people looked at you they see someone who gives full attention, who gives deep affirmation, and always seeks to live more Jesus-like. I think living like that is worth striving for, and for me I’m going to. Not only for me, but also for my boys. They deserve a dad like that, so I’m going to do my best to live that out.

Sermon Notes:

Big Idea: Show attention, affirmation, and ownership of reactions in relationships

Take Aways…

  • Failure #1: A Lack of Attention
  • The Prodigal Son had the Father’s attention even when he wasn’t there
  • We never need to grab God’s attention; we already have it.
  • Failure #2: My Initial Gut Reaction
  • Our reactions might be normal, but not Jesus-like.
  • What comes out of us is because of us
  • Failure # 3: Lack of Affirmation
  • I affirm who he is becoming
  • Have you been giving people your full attention?
  • In trying we will be improving.

Adult / Group Discussion Questions: What surprised you? What made you think? What did you take away? What was new? What failures have you learned most from? What would you add to Andrew’s examples? Which of the failures do you think you struggle with most? Where is God calling you to grow? How can you show some signicant relationships your attention, affirmation, and personal ownership of your reactions?

Discussion Questions for Young Families: Take a moment and talk about your kids about today’s sermon. Be sure to start off by telling them the ways you know you have messed up and failed. Ask them for their forgiveness and how you will be trying to do better. Take a moment and model vulnerability, confession, and trust.

Challenge for this Week: Pay attention, Affirm, And Own your Reactions

 

by Andrew Mills

Father’s Day, Failures, and a New Future

321418_10152829471805643_695467691_nSunday is a special Sunday: it’s Father’s Day. I know this isn’t an easy day for everyone. If, like me, you’ve lost a father it can be tough. If you never really had a father, had a difficult father, or you desperately want to be a father but it hasn’t happened – I know all of these things can make Sunday difficult. Yet I also know for many of us Sunday can be a celebration. So recognizing all the complexity on Sunday I want to explore an odd topic: my failures.

On Sunday I want to be open and honest and share with you how I have failed as a father, and what that has taught me about God and relationships in general. I’ve only been a father for 3 short years, and 6 months with 2, but even in three years you can falter and fail even with the best intentions.

I know it’s an odd place to start with failures, but if you’re at all like me I learn so much more from my failures than sometimes my successes. And as I’ve faltered as a father my boys have been teaching me so much about God, myself, and all my relationships. So this is what I really want to take a look at on Sunday because failing doesn’t bother me. Not learning from my failures bothers me. I will make mistakes, and mess up – that’s life and parenting. But my hope is always to grow and change. So on Sunday we’ll open up some of my failures so that together we might all learn some important biblical principles around attention, affirmation, and owning our reactions.

Of course I’ll be sharing stories, of my boys painting the carpets and stories from Jesus. So I hope you can join us. But before we get there why not spend sometime and think through what failures have you really learned from? How have you changed? And most importantly, are there people you can share these lessons with so that we might all grow together?

by Andrew Mills

The God of Limits

limitsUsually we think of God as unlimited in everything. And in a traditional sense I think this is true and good. That his love is limitless, that his power is vast, and his forgiveness faithful and overflowing.

The trouble is that we forget that Jesus had limits, so we forget or pretend that we don’t have limits. The point is that if the Son of God had limits and created healthy boundaries on earth so should we as his followers. I know that it might seem weird to think of Jesus having limits, but that’s what the Gospels seem to point to. Jesus didn’t heal everyone there was. Jesus didn’t convince and save everyone around him. Jesus wasn’t able to change everyone. Jesus got tired. Jesus retreated. Jesus got frustrated with the disciples. Jesus had limits and he knew it.

The problem is that Christians, and pastors especially, forget that we have natural limits. We forget that we can’t save everyone, and having healthy boundaries isn’t a bad thing, it’s a necessary thing. The problem is that we believe it is our “mission” to change the world and save as many as possible, even at the expense of our families, friends, and personal health. The problem with that is twofold: first it’s not our mission, it’s God’s; second not respecting our natural limits and boundaries doesn’t follow Jesus’ example. Jesus got tired and retreated. Jesus provided for his family. Jesus as a human being had limits because all of humanity has limits. This is not a bad thing, in fact it is a wonderful thing. The limitless God above, wants to use us even with our limits, but we must recognize that we each have limits. I can’t meet with everyone. I can’t save everyone. I can’t give to everyone. Sometimes I have to say no. Sometimes I need to not check my emails. Sometimes I need to trust that God can handle things without me for a while.

Parker Palmer writes, “Self-care is never a selfish act – it is simply stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to our true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves, but for the many others who lives we touch.”

I think he’s right, because that truth flows from the life of Jesus. Jesus didn’t run himself ragged, burnout, and falter because he took care of himself so he could accomplish something greater than himself. That’s our calling too. To take care of ourselves so we can accomplish something greater than ourselves.

So today take care of yourself, in ways that make sense for you: rest, pray, play, take a walk, read, cook a good meal, say no to something. Become aware of limits, and don’t worry about overcoming them, trust in God to work within them.

by Andrew Mills

God Doesn’t Want Your Money…He Wants Your Heart

1390009_45620103On Sunday we looked at the issue of money and wealth from Jesus’ perspective. The big idea was pretty simple, that God isn’t interested in our money, but in our hearts. The point is that our lives organize around our hearts. So if greed holds our hearts, our lives will end organizing themselves around greed, wealth, and more possessions. When this happens our lives shrink, anxiety increases, and fear abounds. Dallas Willard writes: If we value [money or wealth] as normal people seem to think we should, our fate is fixed. Our fate is anxiety. It is worry. It is frustration. The words anxious and worry both have reference to strangling or being choked. Certainly that is how we feel when we are anxious. Things and events have us by the throat and seem to be cutting off our life.” When our life is controlled by greed that is how we feel cut off, and chocked by an insatiable desire that never lets up.

So we talked about how Jesus really isn’t interested in our money. He has lots. What he is really interested in is having our heart so he can give us freedom and life. As long as greed controls us our lives will never be full. If our focus is on money then it’s not on God. So we ended with a simple challenge: Give. Give. Give. Giving breaks greed. Giving ensures that God has our heart. Giving is a way to keep God at the centre. I think one of the reasons that Jesus talks so much about money is because where our money goes, so too does our heart. So if we give our money away, we are also giving our heart to God.

So that’s where we went on Sunday ending with some simple practical ways to give. First, give as a priority. Make it first not just an after-thought. Second, give a percentage. God cares more about giving as a percentage than a dollar amount. So make a practice of giving to protect your heart from greed. And lastly, give progressively. Keep giving more and more, deeper and deeper. The path of discipleship, it’s also the path of generosity.

Sermon Notes:

Big Idea: God doesn’t want our money, he wants our hearts

Take Aways…

  • God doesn’t want your money
  • Jesus point in Matthew 6 isn’t practical living, but the intentions behind your life
  • Life organizes itself around your heart
  • Greed leads to smaller and less fulfilled life
  • Focus on placing your heart in heaven not what you have
  • “Jesus is very clear. Wealth is a problem” Stanley Hauerwas
  • whatever you value most will direct your life.
  • If you heart is focused on wealth, then it isn’t focused on God.
  • Giving keeps God at the centre of our hearts and lives
  • Giving breaks greed
  • “Generous giving is one of the best external indicators for measuring transformation and spiritual growth” Chris Willard, and Jim Sheppard
  • Three Keys to Giving: Make it a Priority, Make it a Percentage, Make it Progressive

Adult / Group Discussion Questions: What surprised you? What made you think? What did you take away? What was new? How have you seen it true that life organizes itself around your heart? Would you say that money has a hold on your heart? What can you do to break that hold? How much is generosity a part of your life? How much would you like it to be part of your life? What can you do to make a habit of generosity to give you heart to God?

Discussion Questions for Young Families: Take a moment and talk about your kids about the importance of generosity. Talk with them about how giving changes not only others but also us. Ask them about their favorite gifts they’ve ever gotten, and also given. Ask them if there is someone they know who could use a gift to encourage and make them happy. Follow through on any ideas they have.

Challenge for this Week: Give. Make it priority, a percentage, and progressive

by Andrew Mills

Why Does Jesus Talk So Much About Money?

On Sunday we are exploring a difficult topic. We are talking about money. Here is the difficulty though with this topic. Whenever money is talked about people can get defensive and uncomfortable. This has often been because the church has talked about money so poorly, seeming like all we care about is a bigger offering. But money, wealth, and finances do need to be talked about in church because of how it can affect our lives. Whether or not we acknowledge it money has a huge influence on our lives. Here are just a few examples:

  • Marriages often split over finances and fights about finances
  • Financial stress can bleed out into all sorts of relationships that we have
  • Many of us are scared about our future in relation to money, wealth, and security

And so we should talk about how to find peace, life, and hope. The truth is that if Jesus talked about money so should we, and he talked about money a lot:

  • Jesus talked about money more than anything else, other than the Kingdom of God
  • Jesus talked about money more than heaven and hell combined
  • 25% of all the parables have connections with money

I think the point is that Jesus knew that money is a stress, it is a focus, and it can steal our peace. So he talks about it to give us freedom, life, and a new perspective.

So here is a sneak peek into the big idea for Sunday. It has two parts but I’ll share the first part now: God doesn’t want your money. This is true, and on Sunday we’ll be exploring Mathew 6 to find out why that’s true. Why God isn’t really interested in your money, why we won’t be having a second offering, and why money isn’t the issue, it has something to do with our hearts.

Kingdom Currency

by Andrew Mills

Pocket Jesus

Untitled-1For a long time people thought of “evangelism” as bringing Jesus with them to people who needed Jesus. It was almost as if we have Jesus in our back pocket and our goal was to bring him out in conversation with people. The goal was to bring Jesus into conversations, relationships, or places where he currently wasn’t. We were “storming the gates the hell”, “bringing salvation to the heathens”, or “taking the world for Jesus”. Perhaps you’ve heard or even used a phrase like that.

If you notice something though, the focus of every one of those statements is on our activity and not Jesus’. We bring Jesus, we make converts, and we storm the gates of hell all in the name of “evangelism”. I call this type of evangelism “pocket Jesus evangelism”  because it’s based on us carrying Jesus with us and sharing him however and wherever we can.

And while the idea of sharing Jesus with others is beautiful and absolutely necessary, the idea that we bring Jesus to places he isn’t leads to ugly evangelism. Perhaps you have seen or even experienced this yourself where well-meaning people seem more intent on forcing Jesus than sharing Jesus. Where conversations seem forced, unnatural, aggressive, and somehow off repel people from Jesus rather than draw them in. The reason this type of evangelism can so easily become ugly is because it’s built on a shaky foundation and faulty theology.

The faulty bit of theology is pretty clear when you think about it: you don’t bring Jesus anywhere, because he’s already everywhere.

Here is the point, as Christians Jesus absolutely does reside within us, but Jesus is not limited to us. To limit the world changing, life transforming, and Kingdom expanding work of the Father, Son, and Spirit to the work of Christians and the church is not only bad theology but just plain wrong. God is the primary actor in changing the world, we simply get to partner with him in what he is already doing. The world is being changed by the Father’s initiative, the Son’s sacrifice, and the power of the Spirit and we get to join in what God is doing.

The point is this, we, as Christians, do not take Jesus to a God-absent world. God is already active in the world and we get to join him in what he is doing. The very first act of Jesus Christ was to move into the neighborhood, and he’s been doing it ever since (John 1). If Jesus moved into an obscure, poverty riddled, Jewish family in the first century I’m pretty sure he’s already active on your street.

So then does evangelism still matter? Absolutely! The only difference is the focus shifts. Rather than forcing Jesus into conversations I watch for how he is active in conversations and follow his lead. Rather than trying to push Jesus into a relationship I see how he is guiding that relationship and listen to his direction.

The point is that no longer am I trying to “convert” anyone. What I am doing is joining in the work of Jesus who is already active in seeking and saving the whole world. I’m trusting that the Father, Son, and Spirit are the ones who save and “convert” people, I just want to do my part.

So my question is where do you see Jesus active in your friendships? Is someone open to forgiveness more than usual? Is Jesus directing you to spend more time with someone who seems to be growing? Who can you show love to, that is receptive or needing of grace?

The point is simple: I’m no longer taking Jesus with me asking him to join me in what I’m doing; I’m looking for what he is already doing and seeking to partner with him there.

by Andrew Mills

Listening with Your Eyes

Here is an old story:

397378_10151635582662040_814112548_nA little girl came home from the school with a drawing she’d made in class. She danced into the kitchen, where her mother was preparing dinner.

“Mom guess what”, she squealed waving her drawing.

Her mother never looked up. “What” she said, tending to the pots.

“Guess what!”, the child repeated waving the drawing.

“What” the mother said tending to the plates.

“Mom you’re not listening”

“Sweetie yes I am” – said the mother.

“Mom”, the child said, “You’re not listening with your eyes”.

I think this is true for us in today’s age more than ever. So many of us when we are listening to one another we no longer listen with our eyes. We don’t deeply show our attention, our empathy, and our connection to the people we are listening to. We check our phones, check the clock, check our surroundings, but aren’t checking in with the person we are actually talking with.

I know I am as guilty as most. I’m tempted when my phone buzzes to check that text. I’m tempted to just quick check Twitter. I’m tempted to look at the clock. None of these things are bad, but all of these things communicate that the person you are talking with isn’t your top priority. In essence I’m tempted to not listen with my eyes, and then not with my heart either.

And here is why this matters, because my bet is that if someone has influenced and changed you in a deep way ~ they were a good listener. My bet is they made you a priority. My guess is they showed that you mattered by giving you their undivided attention. But having someone’s undivided attention is so rare these days, but that’s why it’s so valuable, counter-cultural, and transformational. How often you do you think your kids have someone completely rapt attention in the day? How often does your co-worker have someone truly interested in them and not just waiting for their turn to speak? How often does your neighbor have someone who isn’t rushing by but listening with their heart and eyes?

My point is that deep listening, with our hearts and eyes, is special because it is both so rare and transformative. And if we want to be people who bless, share life, change communities, and reveal Jesus’ love it will start with how we listen. It will start by putting aside our agendas, our phones, our distractions and saying to our kids, family, friends, and neighbors you matter to me with what’s going on in your life. Because that is the model of Jesus. We always have his attention, and it’s always undivided. So why not try giving that gift to someone today.

by Andrew Mills

Following in the Footsteps of Jesus to Become Like the Father

On Sunday we wrapped up our series on the Prodigal Son, taking a look at the Father. We talked about how we are called to become like the Father. Henri Nouwen puts it this way: “As a beloved son, I have to claim my full dignity and begin preparing myself to become the father…Though I am both the younger son and the elder son, I am not to remain them, but to become the Father” His point is simple. We are not accepted into God’s family to remain as we are, but to act and live like a true family member. Athanasius, an early church father, put it this way: Jesus became human so that we might become like him. And through following Jesus we follow in his footsteps, becoming like the Father.

So on Sunday we pulled out three amazing characteristics of the Father in this parable. First, that his love is reckless. He gives his youngest son all that he asks for even though it hurts him. He gives generously even though his generosity will be abused.

The second thing the father does is to practice active love. The Father is on the lookout the entire time the son is wandering around lost. The text says the Father was watching for him. That he was actively searching for him. This is an example of not just loving feelings, but love put into action. We are called to do the same.

The last thing we pulled out was that the Father’s love is marked by abundance not scarcity. So often we worry that there isn’t enough money, time, resources, or love to go around. The older son in this story shows that disposition. He worries that the Father’s display of love lessens the love, and resources available to him. But the Father says, “All I have is yours”. In the Kingdom of the Father there is excess, abundance, and overflowing love not a scarcity or limited supply. This is how love functions in the Kingdom.

So to close we gave three simple steps, with cues taken from Henri Nouwen, on how to become like the Father. The first was to shed tears, the second was to forgive, and the third was to be generous. Nouwen writes this: “To become like the Father…I have to shed countless tears and so prepare my heart to receive anyone, whatever their journey has been, and forgive them from that heart.”  This is true, unless we shed tears our hearts can remained hard, unmoved, and unlike the father. We are also called to forgive, before people ask. This is the example of the Father. Again Nouwen writes with startling simplicity and beauty, “It is through constant forgiveness that we become like the Father”. And lastly, we shared that we must begin to believe in the abundance of the Kingdom and live lives of generosity. Again Nouwen was our guide writing, “Every time I take a step in the direction of generosity, I know that I am moving from fear to love”. This is the process to become like the Father to move away from fear to love.

So we closed with a few simple questions for reflection and action.

  • Who are you angry at rather than broken over? Can you shed some tears this week to soften your heart?
  • Who are you holding a grudge with? Can you let go? If not, read this parable again and again until the picture of God painted in this so grabs your heart, that unforgiveness lets go.
  • And lastly, where are you not being generous out of fear? Then this week find a way to be generous.

I think these questions, and this quest to follow Jesus matters tremendously. Because the only thing that will change this world is when we start to live, love, and look like Jesus. And that only happens as we follow in his Jesus’ footsteps, in the power of the Spirit, and the direction of the Father. So may we all take some steps forward this week in following Jesus.

Sermon Notes:

Big Idea: We are to following the Father’s Footsteps

Take Aways…

  • The sons are to become like the Father
  • If our picture of God is off, our lives will be off
  • The Father is one who loves recklessly
  • Respect that is demanded never leads to a relationship
  • The Father’s love is active, and proactive
  • The Father’s love is marked by abundance not scarcity
  • The parable is an invitation to follow Jesus, in our becoming like the Father
  • Jesus became human so that we might become like him. Athanasius
  • “Here is the God I want to believe in: a Father who, from the beginning of creation, has stretched out his arms in merciful blessing, never forcing himself on anyone, but always waiting; never letting his arms drop in despair, but always hoping that this children will return so that he can speak word of love to them and let his tired arms rest on their shoulders. His only desire is to bless.” Henri Nouwen
  • “Jesus is the true Son of the Father. He is the model for our becoming the father”. Henri Nouwen
  • To become like the Father we have to learn to shed tears.
  • “To become like the Father…I have to shed countless tears and so prepare my heart to receive anyone, whatever their journey has been, and forgive them from that heart.” Henri Nouwen
  • To become like the Father we have to learn to forgive first.
  • “It is through constant forgiveness that we become like the Father” Henri Nouwen
  • To become like the Father we have to be learn to be generous.
  • “Every time I take a step in the direction of generosity, I know that I am moving from fear to love” Henri Nouwen

Adult / Group Discussion Questions: What surprised you? What made you think? What did you take away? What was new? Why would you say it is important to get our picture of God straight? How does this parable help to focus our picture of God? What part of the Father’s actions most spoke to you and for what reasons? How can you start to follow, to become like the Father? Is there someone you need to shed a tear over? Is there someone you need to forgive, or give to? How might you do that this week?

Discussion Questions for Young Families: Take a moment and talk with you kids about the picture of God painted in this parable. Talk about how God is actively loving, how his love never runs dry, how he gives such grace to us. Talk to them about why you follow this God, and how you might try to this week follow him deeper. What might you do with your kids? Listen more, spend more time with them, forgive some of their annoying habits? What can you do to show them love like the Father?

Challenge for this Week: Shed a tear over brokenness, forgive someone before they ask, and give to someone generously

by Andrew Mills

How Do You Become Like Jesus?

1209121_19492254On Sunday we are wrapping up our series on the Prodigal Son. We’ve looked at the older brother, and the younger son. On Sunday we are looking at the Father, and asking the most crucial question:

How do we become like the Father?

Because this is honestly one of the central parts of following Jesus. Jesus perfectly represents the Father in this parable. And we are called as followers of Jesus to become like Jesus. We are called to follow in his footsteps to become like the Father in this parable. We are called to learn to show reckless love, abundant forgiveness, and never-ending grace.

So on Sunday we are going to be exploring the hard question of how do you actually do this? How do you actually live, love, and look like Jesus? Of course it will take the Holy Spirit’s work, the Father’s direction, and the power of Jesus. But what practical steps can we take to start to live like the Father in this parable?

Because I believe this truly matters. Imagine with me if each Christian loved, lived, and looked like the Father in the parable of the prodigal son? If this was true our homes, meeting places, and churches would be filled with people drawn to this depth of love. They would be drawn into our lives, just as people were drawn to Jesus.

So this question of “how” matters immensely. And on Sunday we hope to answer it. But before we get there, why not spend sometime thinking about it yourself. If you are to become like Jesus, what next steps help you get there? What is he calling you to do? How might you go so deeply into his love, that it transforms you into a person of deep love? These are questions worth thinking about, and even more importantly worth living out.

by Andrew Mills

Go to Timeout Daddy!

941103_10152862084975643_260761294_nWe have a three year old, which also means that we have a timeout spot. For us it’s the stairs. This has been helpful because pretty much every place we go has stairs.

Everybody’s different, but for us we use timeouts to help Hudson make right choices. Some people use timeout’s for punishment but we want it to be a corrective. So the general rule is he able to come off timeout whenever he is ready to say sorry, eat his supper, or do whatever it is he was supposed to in the first place. This is important to us because then Hudson still has some control, and if he makes the right choice right away he can get out of timeout quickly. There isn’t a set punishment time, instead he sits there as long as it takes to make the right choice. Because we want our kids to make the right choices. What is funny is that our kids also want us to make the right choices.

So the other day I’m in a bad mood. I’m grumpy. I’m complaining, and not being “happy”. So you know what Hudson does? He puts me in timeout.

He says, “Daddy no whining, you go to timeout. When you happy you come off and say sorry and we play. Okay!”

My little boy is no longer just learning the right choices, but expecting them from others. This is a really good thing, although I did have to spend sometime in timeout.

What I’m learning if I’m to be a good father is that it’s a lot about consistency. Consistently living what I’m asking. Consistently living up to my own expectations I set for my boys. In essence I need to model what I am trying to teach, and practice what I preach.

So maybe it’s a good moment today to simply take a second and ask yourself, “Do you need to go to timeout?” Is there something you expect of others that you aren’t doing? Are you making the right choices you ask other people to make?

Because trust me its so much better when we say we’re sorry, act the right way, and get back to playing…

by Andrew Mills