Tag: Friendships

Dad you can have enemies right?

Enemies-e1520468752606.pngI have always believed that the Bible matters and is relevant to all ages. I just didn’t realize how true that was, even for little kids, until the other day when I was driving Asher to school.

As we were driving, Asher said, “Dad, you can have enemies, right? If someone hits you a lot, they are your enemy.”

He then preceded to tell me who his enemy was and what he thought about them. And, he outright asked if it was okay to have enemies. Because, in our technical language, it seems that Asher has a “frenemy.”

Sometimes I wish adults were this honest and open.

So, I told him about Jesus, and how we follow what Jesus asks of us. I told him how Jesus doesn’t deny that there are enemies in this world (people who hurt us, maybe even hit us, or people who aren’t good), but that Jesus says we are called to love our enemies.

I said to Asher, “If you have an enemy, we need to love them too. It’s okay to choose not to play with them. It’s okay to tell the adult in charge if you are being hit. But, we don’t want to hate anyone.”

I write this all because I think Asher’s question is a good one: Is it okay to have an enemy?

Yes, the Bible lives in the reality where there are hurtful, abusive and difficult people in our lives – people that we might call an “enemy.” What the Bible challenges isn’t the existence of evil, but rather our response to it. We are called to love our enemies, and we are called to love them because our God in heaven loves them. And, how we do that is complex, and my point isn’t to wade into all of that today.

Yes, with abusive people, boundaries matter.

Yes, with toxic people, you don’t have to become a doormat.

Yes, with evil, pursuing justice matters.

But, when it comes down to the base level, what I told Asher was, “We can’t let hate into our hearts.” We need to love people, even the ones who are difficult.

So, how might you do that with the difficult people around you?

That’s a question that’s worth thinking about, because after I dropped Asher off that’s what I thought about. My little guy reminded me of Jesus’ calling on our lives to love our enemy. And, it’s a reminder that I needed. And, maybe you need this as well.

 

by Andrew Mills

One Sentence, A Lot of Truth

Here is one sentence worth thinking about, pausing, and then creating some space for some friends:

Rushed relationships are rarely real relationships. Sarah Bessey

Rather than me talking about that, why don’t you call someone or plan to get together with someone who matters to you. Give yourself some time to actually be friends.

by Andrew Mills

“Hudson why are my arms so long?”

Today I want to talk a little bit about a picture my son Hudson drew. Because it’s really meaningful to me, but also revealing of something to me too. Here it is:

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He drew this during his quiet time, came and gave it to me, and said, “Daddy that’s a picture of you and me hugging.” Melt your heart type of stuff as a dad.

But it got me thinking – when did we stop doing this?

When did we grow out of doing this?

We so often take the closest relationships to us for granted, rather than cherishing them. That’s what Hudson was doing. He was trying to show me that our relationship matters to him. He was trying to show me that he loves me. He was trying to show me that he thinks about me and appreciates  me. When did we stop doing that for others?

So often our tendency is to neglect or take for granted those closest to us. We don’t send thank you notes to our spouses, but we do to our employees. We don’t send flowers to our parents, but we do to our friends or new potential clients. What I’m saying is that somewhere along the way we maybe have lost something that kids seem to intrinsically know. That relationships are to be appreciated. Appreciated through gifts, cards, thoughts, actions, flowers, and of course, drawings with long arms and hockey stick feet.

So my challenge for all of us is this: to learn from the kids around you and appreciate your closest relationships – and here is the key – make sure they know it. Do something special today for them and appreciate them.

Because sometimes a little thing, like a drawing during quiet time, can just make your day.

by Andrew Mills

Why Relationships Aren’t To Be Used but Cherished, and Why we Do It

801380_47406908Today I want to talk about the thing that is killing the church. And no it’s not bad theology, or that people don’t read their Bibles enough. These are important, but I think the thing that is killing the church is much more subtle. And it’s this: We use people.

We use people, we see people as leverage, and we see people as a means to our ends. Let me unpack that a little bit because it is important, dare I say critical too.

In essence, I think the trouble with the church is that we don’t love people deeply enough. We love who they can be or what they can do for us, but not who they are right now. We love the fact that they can change this light fixture, run this program, or give to this ministry. But do we simply first and foremost love them for who they are, before they contribute or do anything? Do we love them because they are worth loving?

And this is a subtle thing but a really key thing. Because we are called to love people where they are at, and not for what they can do, or even who they can become.

And this issue has even infected and affected our evangelism. Evangelism is literally sharing the good news about Jesus. This is a beautiful thing. But here is what can subtly happen – we make friends with them so they can come to know Jesus, and share Jesus with them. Rather than making friends because we think they are worth loving and caring.

And this happens all the time, and people see it, feel it, and know it. If you are nice to neighbors just so they will come to church, or come to know Jesus that’s just down-right wrong.

Yes I said wrong, and here is why. Because in that situation we are loving and caring for our neighbors just for our own agenda (going to church or accepting Jesus). Is that agenda good? Absolutely I believe deeply in the church and think Jesus is the hope of the world. But, and here is the kicker, it is still an agenda, even though it’s a good one. But love cares for people without an agenda. You don’t love your kids so that they will accept Jesus (but of course you pray they will). You love your kids because they are worth loving – and we need to live that way with everyone. People can know and sense if we love them, or if we love the “future them” they can become. But that’s using people, and not loving people. To love people you need to love who they are – right here and right now. God moves always in the present, and love is grounded in the present.

Andrew Root puts it this way:

Relationships in ministry are so significant not for what they get us but because they become the concrete yet mysterious places where the divine and human come together. Andrew Root

So what if we stop approaching the people in our church, our neighborhoods, or our community for what they can do for us – or for what we think is best for them. What if we love them where they are at, no agendas or strings attached, knowing that in that place Jesus is moving. What if we deeply practice love and just see what Jesus will do in and through that? Do I pray and hope that my friends and neighbors come to know Jesus – absolutely. He’s the biggest change in my life, and the reason I live my life the way I do. But I love my friends and neighbors first for who they are – people worth loving – and not for who they might become or do for me. And that small difference, makes all the difference.

In short, what I’m trying to say is this: relationships are to be cherished, not to be used. And I think this is something the church needs to learn if it is going to thrive. You know if someone loves you or what they can do for you. And that one subtle difference is something; the difference between a life-giving relationship, and a shallow fake relationship. And if the church is about anything it’s about deep relationships with each other, the world, and most of all, God. So let’s learn to love without an agenda.

by Andrew Mills

Cliched or Not it’s True : We All Need Each Other

1103018_28726094This week at church we are going to look at a clichéd statement that is absolutely true. We are going to look at this statement, “We need each other”.

Unfortunately this is something that is said all over the place. It’s said in companies, in advertising, in banks, in schools, in communities, and it’s applied to almost every situation. I’m not bemoaning that fact but sometimes when something becomes ubiquitous it also becomes meaningless.

Well come Sunday we want to restore some of the depth to that statement, “We need each other”. Because the truth is that statement is incredibly Biblical. There are over 50 references to “one another” statements in the Bible. Statements that direct us to the fact that we need each other, that we need one another, that we cannot get through life alone.

And this is so true, and obvious, but it is something we often fail to actually live out. So often when we are in difficulty and we do need others, it’s the time we shut others out. So often we get so busy that our commitment to “each other” is to pray for them when we happen to think of it; rather than deeply committing to another person and to journey with them.

So that’s what we are looking at on Sunday, the story of Ruth, and the power of journeying with someone.

But before we get there why not spend some time reflecting. Who has journeyed in your life that changed you? Who committed to you and changed you because of that commitment? Why not thank them, and then ask God this radical question that we will explore on Sunday: who should you be committing to?

by Andrew Mills

Instant Coffee…Instant Friends?

888721_42041444So a few weeks ago my neighbour showed up late on Sunday night, just to talk and hang out. It was great, a lot of fun, he is a really funny guy. But something stuck out to me after he left.  One year ago this would never have happened. It just wouldn’t. It wasn’t that we didn’t like each other, it just wouldn’t have happened. Some things take time.
The point is this, that as a culture we are obsessed with speed. We want our phones to be LTE or 9G or whatever’s the fastest now. We want instant streaming, short posts, quick updates, and most of our desires responded to instantly. I’m not saying that speed is bad, but there are a few things that don’t respond well to speed. The primary one is relationships. Relationships cannot happen instantly. Accepting a friend on Facebook doesn’t instantly make them a true friend. Friendships grow slowly over time. And it’s only with time that they grow.
The reason I bring this is up is because my neighbour would never have come over a year ago because it takes time to get to know people. And while Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter all help friendships grow – the main way they do is through intentional time. So the question I have for us with our friendships is, “Are we giving them time to grow?” Are we investing in the neighbours, community, and co-workers God has placed in our lives? Are we caring for our friends…really? Are we giving them our attention and time?”
The one thing we cannot get more of is time. So I think it’s the one thing that is worth giving to those friends around us. So today who can you give your time to? Who can you invest in? Because to be honest, there isn’t much better than good friends, randomly showing up, and hanging out.
by Andrew Mills

Verbal Sparring Partners

Henri Nouwen, a favorite writer of mine, writes this: It seems that I am perpetually involved in long dialogues with absent partners, anticipating their questions and preparing my responses. I am amazed at the emotional energy that goes into these inner ruminations and murmurings.

Does anyone else struggle with this too? Replaying in your mind pretend conversations about how things could have gone? Creating new situations in your thoughts where you get verbal revenge, with a great response?

What I love about Nouwen’s quote is that he gets it right. When I look back on my life I’m amazed at the amount of emotional energy and time I give to these fake situations. I’m amazed at how much thought space these pretend situations, that flow out of real people, take up.

After realizing that, I’ve decided to give up the fight. I no longer want to have pretend verbal sparring with the difficult people in my life. I no longer want to replay how conversations could have happened or should have happened. I no longer want to give up that time and energy.

The question is how?

Because my guess is that if you’re like me you get stuck there. So the question is how do you let go? How do you give up the mental fight? How do you let your verbal sparring partners go?

The answer is easy but hard to live out.

It’s simple: start to bless them and pray for them.

Jesus teaches us that we should pray for our enemies. What he is teaching is not just about our posture towards others but where our time and thoughts should go. So now every time my mind starts to pick up that conversation, preparing answers, playing out situations, I stop and pray. I say,” God bless this person. God be with that organization. God give grace to that committee, group, or family member”. I start to change my thoughts for sparring to blessing.

And that one little change, changes everything…

So why not try it today. Seek to bless rather than rehearse verbal dialogues..

by Andrew Mills

The Art of Asking Great Questions

A little while back, sitting in a hot tub with friends, I was asked a great question.

We were getting to know new friends a bit better and at one point they asked me. What’s the best memories you have of your dad? What were the best things about him?

That is a beautiful question. Deep, open, vulnerable, and welcomed. So I got to talk about my dad for a bit. It was beautiful.

Those are the types of great questions that take relationships deeper. Ones that open up not only conversation, but someone’s soul and heart.

Why not make a practice of asking deeper questions – beyond “How was the week”. Why not ask what did you learn this week? Where did you find joy?

So what are some of the great questions you’ve been asked?

Share some good questions here. But more importantly, share them with friends and family…

by Andrew Mills