Parenting – Page 4 – { Andrew Mills }

Go to Timeout Daddy!

We have a three year old, which also means that we have a timeout spot. For us it’s the stairs. This has been helpful because pretty much every place we go has stairs.

Everybody’s different, but for us we use timeouts to help Hudson make right choices. Some people use timeout’s for punishment but we want it to be a corrective. So the general rule is he able to come off timeout whenever he is ready to say sorry, eat his supper, or do whatever it is he was supposed to in the first place. This is important to us because then Hudson still has some control, and if he makes the right choice right away he can get out of timeout quickly. There isn’t a set punishment time, instead he sits there as long as it takes to make the right choice. Because we want our kids to make the right choices. What is funny is that our kids also want us to make the right choices.

So the other day I’m in a bad mood. I’m grumpy. I’m complaining, and not being “happy”. So you know what Hudson does? He puts me in timeout.

He says, “Daddy no whining, you go to timeout. When you happy you come off and say sorry and we play. Okay!”

My little boy is no longer just learning the right choices, but expecting them from others. This is a really good thing, although I did have to spend sometime in timeout.

What I’m learning if I’m to be a good father is that it’s a lot about consistency. Consistently living what I’m asking. Consistently living up to my own expectations I set for my boys. In essence I need to model what I am trying to teach, and practice what I preach.

So maybe it’s a good moment today to simply take a second and ask yourself, “Do you need to go to timeout?” Is there something you expect of others that you aren’t doing? Are you making the right choices you ask other people to make?

Because trust me its so much better when we say we’re sorry, act the right way, and get back to playing…

May 22, 2013 by Andrew Mills

How a Community Can Launch its Kids

On Sunday I shared with you three things I think are key in raising and launching kids from our faith community.

The first key I shared was alignment. This is simply where our values line up with our actions. Kids pick out incongruity and hypocrisy like little magnets. We need to ensure that if we are going to have any influence that our values line up with our actions. So often we end up asking our youth and kids to value something we don’t practice. So to ensure this doesn’t happen I challenged everyone to ask this question often: are we living what we are asking? So are we living with grace? Are we living with integrity? If we want our kids to grow up serving, caring, reaching out, and changing lives – it needs to start in our lives.

The second key I gave was ownership. There is currently a move to deeper and deeper outsourcing. You can outsource your marital fights online now. The trouble is that as you outsource things you are giving responsibility to another party or group. And in the case of our youth, they matter too much to ever outsource their development to the school system, social workers, daycares, or even to our local youth pastors. These things are all good and valuable as supports and professionals; but supports and professionals are never a substitute for engaged parents and caring communities. So we need to own our personal responsibility in raising the kids entrusted to our care. Therefore, each Christian needs to ask “how can I contribute to launching our kids well?” What can you do to ensure the next generation thrives and succeeds? Can you be a mentor, can you give your time, your resources, your care and love? If we are to launch our kids well we need to own our responsibly in raising and launching.

And the last key to launching our kids well was that we need each other. The truth is that the world teaches our kids that living for money, self-satisfaction, or happiness is important and fulfilling. Unfortunately this isn’t the gospel. The gospel is that living for others, and living for something worth dying for is the reason to live. Stanley Hauerwas puts it this way: What we do when we educate kids to be happy and self-fulfilled is to absolutely ruin them. Parents should say to their kids “what you want out of life is not happiness but to be part of a worthy adventure, you want to have something worth dying for”.

And this is why we need each other. We need a faith community that practices and demonstrates what this type of life looks like. We need new role models, and heroes. We need everyday ordinary people who follow Jesus in the reality of their lives. We need each other. So I ended with encouraging each person to share their story of why they find following Jesus compelling, how they are doing it, and what they are learning. Because if we are ever going to be a counter-culture to the world of fame, wealth, and self-interest, we will need to share our stories.

So those were three keys: aligning our lives with Jesus, owning our responsibility, and working as a community. There are surely others, and things you might add. But I think it’s a pretty good start. But if you were to add anything what would it be? Because this is a conversation worth having…

Sermon Notes:

Big Idea: Launching the next generation requires: alignment, ownerships, and togetherness.

Take Aways…

We have all been influenced by parenting for good or bad
If you are a Christian you are a parent – modeling, and living an example for the kids around you
Christians, single and married, are parents. “Parent” names an office of the Christian community that everyone in the community is expected faithfully to fulfill. Stanley Hauerwas
Three Keys to Parenting: Alignment, Ownership, and Each Other
Alignment: Having our values line up with our actions
Are we living what we are asking?
Our youth need role models…they need you
Ownership: Taking responsibility rather than outsourcing
Our kids matter too much to give our responsibility to raise them away
Each Other: To create a community that makes faith real
What we do when we educate kids to be happy and self-fulfilled is to absolutely ruin them. Parents should say to their kids “what you want out of life is not happiness but to be part of a worthy adventure you want to have something worth dying for”. Stanley Hauerwas
Application:
- Am I living what I’m asking?
- How can I contribute?
- Share your story

Adult / Group Discussion Questions What surprised you? What made you think? What made you laugh? What did you take away? What was your life growing up with your parents? What about your parents “parenting style” would you like to use or leave behind? What other keys do you think there are to launching our next generation well? In what areas are you “living what your asking”? In what areas aren’t you? How can you contribute to raising and launching this generation well? Who can you share your story with?

Discussion Questions for Young Families: Take a moment and sit down with your kids and talk to them about today’s message. Share with them how you want to live with alignment and if they notice you saying things your not practicing to talk with you so that you can change. Talk to them about the models and examples of faith in the church, and why following Jesus matters for you. Lastly ask them how you can help them – how you can contribute to launching them well. Ask what they need and how you can help.

Challenge for this Week: Walk with alignment, choose to contribute, and share your story with someone.

April 29, 2013 by Andrew Mills

We’re All Parents – Some of Us Just Have Kids

On Sunday we are going to look at a major issue for all of us as Christians. We are looking at parenting.

You might actually want to push back a little bit. You might be asking, “Is it a major issue for all of us? What about those of us without kids? What about those of us with grown kids? What about those of us who never want kids?”

Well I hate to be the one to tell you…but if you are a follower of Jesus you are a parent.

That’s right. As followers of Jesus in a community we all matter in ensuring that the next generation launches well. You are a model and an example, even if you aren’t a biological parent.

Stanley Hauerwas writes it this way: Christians, single and married, are parents. “Parent” names an office of the Christian community that everyone in the community is expected faithfully to fulfill.

And he is absolutely right. We all have a responsibility with the youth we, as a community, have been entrusted with. Kids matter. Youth matter. And you matter too in developing a caring community that launches them well. So yes parenting is a major issue for all Christians.

And come Sunday we are going to look at how to launch our kids well. I’m going to share with you three things that I think are really key. But before we get there what about you? What do you think is key in raising kids as a community? What did your parents do – that worked so wonderfully? What have you learned not to do from your parents?

Because the reality for good or bad, we have all been shaped by parenting. Whether that’s good parents, bad parents, or non-existent parents. The question we want to discover is then for those in our care and community how can we raise them well. How can we launch them well? What do you think?

April 26, 2013 by Andrew Mills

Disciplining with Devotional Books

I have recently run into a new parenting problem. So for all you who have been parents longer here is my problem. Our little boy Hudson does not want to go to sleep recently. Instead, when I go upstairs to bed he is often still up, with a little light on in his room reading. And when I walk in he says, “Daddy go away, I reading, I be quiet, it’s okay”.

Now normally when he is reading we would just take the book away and be done with it. But here is the issue: he’s reading his devotions.

That’s right, my little boy is breaking his bed-time by reading about God. Can you tell he’s a pastor’s kid? I mean how do you discipline someone who is reading his devotions? He says, “Daddy I just reading my devotions for a little bit [which is actually like 1.5 hours]. Daddy it’s okay”

Do I like having a sleepy and cranky boy in the mornings? No. Do I want to discourage him from this amazing habit? No.

So here is what I’ve learned. That it is sometimes wise to see the bigger picture. Paul says, “Dad’s don’t aggravate your kids” in Ephesians. And Paul is right. It is so easy to aggravate our kids, to win a little battle but miss the bigger picture. I could make this into an issue, but I’d be losing out because I want my son to feel so connected to God that it permeates his entire little life and spills out all over the place. And I think this matters, because so often we see the little issue but not the bigger picture. We ground our kids, but miss the fact that in us yelling they feel unloved. We take away their toys when they do something bad, but can actually squash their independence and creativity. The point is to see the bigger picture before making decisions.

I am not someone who thinks we should just let our kids do anything for fear of “squelching their development”. Instead, I want to guide, raise, and train up my son in the best way possible. I want him to go to bed on time, and read his devotions. I don’t want to win with one issue and lose the other.

So when as parents we have these odd moments here’s what I do. I wait before I make a decision, try to see the bigger picture, and try to make the best decision that has the best results long-term.

So in my bed-time breaking devotion reading boy – what did we do? Simple we put him to bed earlier. That’s right earlier. If he wants to read his devotions in bed, awesome! So now we put him to bed earlier so he can read his devotions, and still make it to bed on time. This is a win-win. Paul’s right, don’t aggravate your kids, raise them. The difference is often subtle but it matters a lot.

April 17, 2013 by Andrew Mills