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Broken Little Hearts, and Bruised Kidneys

11407280_10155868352175643_5698444874264892180_nI’m totally biased, but I think my kids are great. Like I mean so are yours, but well mine are…well let’s just leave that there J

But even my totally amazing kids, occasionally drive me nuts, and do really wrong and dumb things.

The other day I was wrestling with our closest friend’s son, and all of sudden my oldest Hudson wants to “rescue” him. So while I’m not looking on the floor, he gets a running start and kicks me as hard as he can in my side. A perfect kidney shot.

Now I must say that my soccer coaching skills for how to kick have really payed off because that one little kick from a 5 year old hurt, like hold back tears, don’t say anything, take time to recover hurt.

Here’s the thing though – when he knew he hurt me, like really hurt me, he knew he did something wrong, he knew he did something bad. But I turned after regaining some strength and wanted to make sure he knew how wrong it was. I said, “You don’t ever do that again”. And my wife, Krista came and then took Hudson to bed.

I came in a little while later, after I was feeling better and I walked into the room and I had a choice.

I could remind Hudson of how deeply he failed me, and how we don’t kick friends – or anyone for that matter. I could have sat down and said how that wasn’t a wise choice. I could have focused in on the “wrong” and how he “broke the law” of our household. I could reinforce judging his wrong, or I could focus on healing his little heart.

Hudson felt terrible at hurting me. I could reinforce how much he hurt me, and how disappointed I was in him. Or I could teach him about love, grace, forgiveness, and healing a little hurt heart.

Because here is the thing: when we’ve been wronged we really want the other person to either suffer for it, or show deep understanding of how they  hurt us. But we always go overboard. We force the issue too long and too much. And the law, guilt, and judgment doesn’t change anyone. It sets a standard, but is not a motivator for transformation. Only grace and forgiveness are.

And so one look at my son showed me this was not the time to press the law and guilt more. This was the time for love and forgiveness. So I gave him a big hug, and he squeezed me so hard and I said I forgave him. He broke down and said how sorry he was, and I assured him that no matter what I’ll always forgive him and love.

So he went to sleep with a healed relationship, reconciled connection with me, rather than a deep feeling of not living up to my expectations and guilt. And I think that small difference makes all the difference.

Relationships are meant to be mended, not guilted into change. Relationships are meant to be reconciled, not broken under law. Relationships are to be healed through forgiveness, not through demanding judgment.

So the next time you have a chance to show judgment or grace and healing, stop for a moment, and think about your choice. Because there is always a choice to show forgiveness, or holding onto judgment. And sometimes that little choice is the difference between someone going to bed with a sore heart, or healed heart.

And of course I went to bed with a sore back, but my heart was happy with Hudson.

by Andrew Mills

Finding God on Your iPod: Kings of Leon and the Beautiful War

On Sunday we opened up our series looking at “Finding God on your iPod”. We began by discussing some of the different ways our culture views love.

There is the “Jerry Maguire” view. This is where we seek and find people who “complete us”. People who make up for our flaws and failures and make us feel whole and wonderful. The trouble with this view is that it’s ultimately self-centred. It’s about what someone else does for us (completes us).

The second view we looked at was what is called the Disney view. That when you meet the right person, you just live easy and breezy happily ever after. Johnathon Haidt says this about this type of love:

The modern myth of true love involves these beliefs: true love is passionate love that never fades; if you are in true love, you should marry that person; if love ends, you should leave that person because it was not true love; and if you can find the right person you will have true love forever.

And this too just isn’t true and not helpful.

The last view of love we looked at is what I called, Passive Love. This is the idea where it’s loving to let people do whatever they want, as long as they don’t hurt anyone. But again this is just selfishness clouded in love language.

That’s when we turned to Kings of Leon to give us a different view of love. We played the song Beautiful War, which has this wonderful little line:

            Love don’t mean nothing Unless there’s something worth fighting for. It’s a beautiful war.

And this line is just so true. And this view is actually right in line with the Biblical view of love that we looked at next. We looked at love as sacrifice, as fighting for someone, as dying for someone in John 3.

John says the message we have heard from the beginning in verse 11 is to love one another. John then goes on to define love, to not leave it vague and culturally bound. He says love looks like Jesus dying. Real love is Jesus giving up his life for us. Love is shown by actions, and it’s shown by sacrifice. Or as Kings of Leon put it, it’s not love unless you’re fighting for someone or something. Love is about sacrifice.

This led us to our main point of the day: fight for those you love. But not fighting in aggressive ways. But in ways that look a lot like dying, like Jesus Christ.

Richard Rohr says, Every time you choose to love, you have also just chosen to die. And that’s true.

So we ended with a simple but hard challenge. To fight for those you love. To really show your love to your spouse, to your kids, to those friendships that matter. To decide to really give of yourself to those around you. Because love is meant to be shown, and it needs to be – if it’s real love.

Sermon Notes:

Big Idea: Fight for those you love.

Teaching Points:

  • Three types of love: You Complete Me, Disney, and Passive Love
  • Love don’t mean nothing, unless there is something worth fighting for. Kings of Leon
  • Love is the deepest truth…Love may cost you everything, but it is the only thing worth anything. Michael Gungor
  • Fight for those you love.
  • Love looks a lot like dying.
  • Every time you choose to love, you have also just chosen to die. Richard Rohr
  • Today we like to love until it hurts, Jesus says it’s not love unless it hurts.
  • Love is proved by deeds; the more they cost us, the greater the proof of our love. Mother Teresa.

Adult Discussion Questions:

What stuck out to you from the sermon? What was challenging to you? How did God speak to you through it? What was new? Have you ever fallen into the trap of thinking about love like Disney, Jerry Maguire, or Tolerance? Who once really sacrificed themselves for you and it really changed you? What did it look like – how did they do it? Who are you maybe being called to love? How might you show them? Who can help you?

Discussion Questions for Young Families

Talk to your kids how love needs to be shown. How it needs to be proven through actions. Talk to them about people in your life, who you love. Ask them how you should show them love, and then do it.

Challenge for the Week: Fight for those you love.

by Andrew Mills

Finding God on Your iPod

Well on Sunday we are launching a brand new series here at church: Finding God on your iPod. We are going to be looking at songs that reveal truth, and have impacted my relationship with God.

Some of the songs you might know, some you might not. But the beautiful thing is that God is all around us and ready to speak to us through so many ways. And we hope to find one way that God speaks to us on Sunday is through music.

I’ve found that at very specific and important times in my life God’s spoken through a song.

So we want to explore some of those over the summer.

But before we get there, what about you? What songs has God used to speak to you? How did he reveal his truth or a thought to you? I’d love to hear what songs God has spoke to you through, and who knows maybe I’ll use one!

god on ipod series

by Andrew Mills

God’s Like a Child Waiting to Be Found

764984_78439510I read this the other day, and it just struck me with how true it is. Shauna Niequist writes this:

What writing teaches me, over and over, is that God is waiting to be found everywhere; in the darkest corners of our lives, the dead ends and bad neighbourhoods we wake up in, and in the simplest, lightest, most singular and luminous moments. He’s hiding, like a child, in quite obvious and visible places, because he wants to be found.

And I just so believe that. I mean deep in my bones believe that. That God want’s to be found. That he is part of all areas of our lives, sometimes in these obvious and amazing places waiting to be found.

  • What if rather than assuming God is hiding from us, he wants to be found by us.
  • What if rather than assuming God is only in huge mountaintop experiences, he is all around us?
  • What if rather than assuming that only mystics and spiritual gurus can find God, that God wants to be found by everyone? Even us ordinary people with jobs, cooking, and kids?
  • What if God isn’t far out there, but right with you.

The question then is are you looking for him? Because I believe like Shauna writes, that God’s hiding, like a child, in quite obvious and visible places, because he wants to be found

by Andrew Mills

What does it look like to be human? Truly Human?

1417639_83774630Today I want to talk about being human. And the truth is we don’t like being human. We want to be super-human. We want to push forward. We want to accomplish great things. We want to overcome our weaknesses and show the strength of our character, leadership, and endurance. We want to cover over our limitations and be self-made people.

The trouble is – this isn’t being human. This isn’t how we were meant to live.

How do I know that? Because Jesus is the true human. Jesus reveals how humanity truly is to look. Jesus often calls himself the “Son of Man”, which some scholars translate as the “Truly Human One”.

And if we look to Jesus we see someone embracing limitations. This might be shocking but it’s true. He sleeps, he says no, he goes off for quiet, and he doesn’t do everything or heal every single person in Israel. He has limitations.

Jesus also doesn’t cover up his weaknesses or struggles. And that too might sound shocking but it isn’t because he must have shared them with his disciples – because we read of them. We read of Jesus saying, Father if there is anyway out of this, please let me know. We read of Jesus being “hit in the gut” with grief when Lazarus dies. We read of real temptations from the devil.

We read of Jesus – being real. 

But we don’t want to be real. We want to be strong, limitless people, with it all together. But this honestly isn’t the way Jesus demonstrates to be human. Jesus doesn’t know everything, but trusts in God in everything. Jesus doesn’t pretend he doesn’t have limits, but embraces them. Jesus doesn’t pretend to be strong at every single moment – he has temptations, struggles in the garden and says “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me”?

The point I’m trying to make is that being human is our calling, and our culture’s view of being human is just wrong.

Michael Gungor writes:

Burnout is what happens when you try to avoid being human for too long.

And that’s true.

So is there any area of your life where you need to say no? Is there any area of your life, where you need to embrace your limits? Is there any area of your life that you need to say – help please!? Is there any area of your life where you just need to embrace being human.

Because learning to be human is actually learning to be like Jesus.

by Andrew Mills

A Suffering God and the Cause of Suffering

1302970_23184595I read this a little while ago, and it’s stayed with me. It deserves a lot of unpacking, but first it deserves some time sitting with it, thinking it through, and wrestling with it.

Paul Fiddes in his book, “Participating in God”, says this:

“Belief in a suffering God forbids us to structure any theological argument where God directly causes suffering.”

What do you think?

by Andrew Mills

Science, Relationships, and Spirituality: 5-1 Rule

On Sunday we looked at what’s called the 5-1 Rule. How our brains are wired for negativity, and we need at least 5 positive interactions to cancel out 1 negative interaction. The interesting thing is that’s actually what we see in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians.

Prior to Paul giving some pretty specific instructions in chapters 4, 5, and 6 (don’t steal, treat your spouse well, etc) Paul affirms the good in the Ephesians first. Paul begins building them up and reminding them who they are, before turning to what they need to do differently.

And that one difference, can make all the difference.

We tend to jump to the negative, but that’s not the example of Paul in Ephesians. Paul starts with the good in people, not the bad. Paul reminds them of who they are before telling them what to do. Paul in essence follows the 5-1 ratio or rule. He certainly addresses concerns, but not before affirming and caring for who they are.

And I think that one little insight can help so many of our relationships.

What if before nagging – we stopped to do some caring? What if before confronting – we did some affirming? What if before judging – we actually did some loving?

I think if we focused on following Paul in this, not only would our lives be different, but our relationships healthier, whole, and better.

Big Idea: Practice the 5-1 Rule

Teaching Notes:

  • Every relationship has expectation gaps
  • Before bringing up the negative, Paul shares the positive.
  • Paul starts with the good in people, not the bad
  • Before Paul tells them what to do, he tells them who they are.
  • Science has taught us what is called “The Brain’s Negativity Bias
  • The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.” Rick Hanson
  • affirm the good, before bringing up the bad

Questions for Discussion:

What was funny or new? How did God speak to you through the sermon? Have you ever thought about an idea like the 5-1 rule before? Are you prone to start with good or bad? How can you put this rule into practice this week?

Questions for Young Families:

Rather than talking about the today, show it. Do something for your kids to affirm their goodness.

Challenge for the Week:

Practice the 5-1 Rule.

by Andrew Mills

You are Made of Stories

1077691_68991810Michael Gungor, a singer / songwriter in the band Gungor, says this:

More than skin, and bone, muscle and tendon – you are made of stories. 

And I think that is true. We all have stories that make up who we are. We all have experiences, encounters, and narratives that not only shape who we are, but often define who we are. You are made of stories and so are those around you.

Some of us are made up of difficult stories, stories of pain, hurt, and abuse. Some of us are made up of stories of love, grace, and forgiveness. The point though isn’t to live a life, or a story, without pain or conflict. The point is to live a life that isn’t controlled by pain, fear, or conflict. To live a life, and share a story, that is about something bigger and better. To live a life that joins in the story that God is telling.

There is this really beautiful spiritual practice of reflection. In it you look back over your life, the stories and encounters you’ve had that really impacted you. You can plot them on a paper, as highs or lows, and reflect on the major turning point in your life.

And once you’ve done this you look over your story. The highs and lows,t he good times and difficult. The stories and encounters that build you – who you are. And you ask yourself two simple questions:

  • Where was God moving in those times?
  • And where is God leading today? 

It’s amazing how as you reflect and look back you can see God moving in your life. And as you see where he did move, you can get a sense for where he might be moving you.

So my simple little challenge today is this.: that you are made of stories, and that you look back on the story of your life. And as you look, and remember, pay attention for God. Look and see how he was moving in this moment, and that moment. And look for where he might be moving.

Because Michale Gungor is right, and as you do this you ask a simple question: where has God been leading?

The question really is what stories: More than skin, and bone, muscle and tendon – you are made of stories. And the question is where is your story leading? Is it joining a bigger story – God’s story? We all have good and bad encounters but none of that needs to control our story or destiny. Because here is the beautiful thing: your story isn’t over yet. So live it well.

by Andrew Mills