Category: Personal Musings

Shhhh….I’m Hiding

A couple of months ago we were leaving my Mom’s house and I told Hudson it was time to go. His reaction was to hide because he didn’t want to go. Here’s how he did it…

So he hasn’t really gotten how to hide yet. But it is super cute. But in the midst of his small cuteness I realized something about myself.

Isn’t this exactly what I do with God? Hide in ineffective ways?

When I sin, when I fail, when I screw up, I often try to hide from God. I try to cover up my shame, my guilt, and my failure, hoping that God won’t see. This is something that I think is part of human nature. What do Adam and Eve do when they mess up? They hide. What do children do when they screw up? They hide. Rather than dealing with the mess, we hide, hoping no one will notice us hiding in the bushes.

The point for me is simple: in so many ways I’m still a child. What I mean by this is that my desire to hide, my desire to cover up my shame shows that in some way, I’m fearful of God. That at some level I haven’t truly grasped the truth that God is grace, that God is love, that God is a gift. That in some ways I haven’t grown up and matured to realize that God cares about me more than any mess I create. And instead of going confidently into his presence, as Hebrews tells us, I hide. Rather than dealing with God, I try to cover my face in some branches.

So while this picture makes me smile, it also makes me think about what I truly believe about God deep down. Do I fundamentally think that God is someone who I need to hide from? Do I believe really that Jesus is someone I wouldn’t want to meet in the middle of my mess? Because the picture of Jesus and God in the gospels is someone full of grace. It’s a picture of someone who drew to him all the broken, messy, and sinful people. It’s a picture of someone you never want to hide from.

So the next time I’m tempted to hide, I’m going to trust in the God revealed in Jesus Christ. I’m going to trust in grace, I’m going to trust in his gift, I’m going to trust in God. And I’m going to walk up to him and say, “I screwed up, here is my mess, help me.”

But what about you? The next time you feel full of guilt, shame, and sin, rather than hiding, why not start talking? Why not open up with him about anything that you’ve been shoving down and away? Why not bring him in, so that healing and grace can be part of that area of your life?

Because I’ve also learned something from Hudson: putting your face behind branches doesn’t really work anyway…

by Andrew Mills

The Long View

In my office I have a picture of early Toronto hanging. It’s probably 3 feet by 5 feet. It’s a really cool piece, that was my dad’s. Here’s a picture of it.

But if you look closely you’ll see how lots is similar to today, but lots have changed. City Hall’s still there, but there is no CN tower. There are fewer skyscrapers, and no Air Canada Centre. Lots have changed, or to put it better there has been lots of growth in Toronto’s core.

Pictures take a moment and freeze it so you can see what was happening in that specific moment. I sometimes wonder if you could take a picture of my life today what it would show. Or better yet if you were to have taken a picture of my life 5 years ago, capturing all my thoughts, dreams, fears, and desires, what would have grown and changed since then?

That picture of Toronto catches not only where it was, but serves to function as a grounding for seeing growth.

We can do the same sort of thing in our life. Either through journaling, practicing the Ignatian Examen, or simply pausing and reflecting we can discover the growth and change in our own lives. Life slips by quickly, but at a steady pace, that we often miss the changes that have happened over time. We might not notice how dramatically we’ve changed, how God has been faithful, how he’s been focusing on certain parts of our lives. So I’d challenge you take the long view of your life. Sit, grab a coffee, and look back to see where you’ve come. Celebrate the changes, and let go of the mistakes.

And take a picture of your life where it is now. Journal where you’re at, make a short video sharing your space, or simply tell a close friend. And then in a year review it, look at how you’ve grown, and where you changed.

Make a practice of looking back so you can see where you’re going…

by Andrew Mills

Taking all the Credit

Hudson takes credit for everything. It happens all the time in our house. I’ll cut a piece of paper for him, and he dances and yells out “I did it”. I put on Diego for him to watch and he says “I did it”. In our house Hudson just about “does everything” then and always takes all the credit.

This got me to thinking though. He really isn’t trying to “steal” the credit. Instead he wants to be a part of everything. Hudson is so invested in all that is going on around him that whenever anything happens he feels he did it. He yells “I did it” because he feels that in someway he actually did do it. He is so a part of the fabric of our family that he is invested in all that goes on.

What a different picture than most of life, right? So often we don’t invest in anything. So often we live life without any real commitments. We like to wait and see if something is cool, if it succeeds, or if we don’t have anything better to do before jumping in. But as I’ve learned from Hudson, this is no way to live. He jumps into everything even if you don’t want him involved. He doesn’t miss a chance to experience something, to get involved, and whether it turns out good or bad to yell “I did it”.

Maybe we could learn something from kids? Maybe we could learn to overcome that hesitancy that builds into us as we grow up. Maybe we should invest ourselves so much in the fabric of our families, neighborhoods, and churches that whatever happens “we did it” too.

So my challenge today is this: go get involved in something bigger than you. Join in. Take part. Take some credit. And say I did it.

by Andrew Mills

Fastening Your Grip ~ Clinging to God…

Earlier this week when I dropped off Hudson for daycare he was quite upset. He’s been sick and not at daycare and so has spent lots of extra time with mommy and daddy. So when I went to drop him off he started crying and said “Daddy, no, home daddy, home”. He wanted to go home with me. He literally wrapped his little body around me, grabbing my shirt and neck with his arms, and my body with his legs. He was literally clinging to me.

Eventually we made it through and after I left our wonderful daycare sent me a text saying he was happy and having lots of fun. But I couldn’t get that picture out of my mind ofHudson clinging to me.

Often in the Old Testament we are told to “cling” to God. We read of this in Deuteronomy 10:19, Joshua 23:8; and Psalm 63:7. In each verse we are told to cling tightly to God, to not let go. The Hebrew word is the word dabaq which literally means to cling, hold on tightly to, to cleave to, or to fasten your grip. This is literally what Hudson did. He fastened his grip on me, he wouldn’t let go, he clung to me.

As I look back on this morning I wonder if I have that same desire for God that Hudson had for me? Am I clinging to God that much? Am I truly fastening my grip on him deciding to never let go? Would I notice if God wasn’t right next to me? Am I that close to him? These are deep questions but important ones to ask.

So today ask yourself this…What do you cling to?

by Andrew Mills

Evaluating and Judging God’s Bride

Something recently has occurred to me. Often after Sunday’s service I ask Krista, “How did it go today?” Or more honestly, “How did I do?” And I’ve started to notice something. That those types of questions don’t seem to help my soul, and my connection with God. As I’ve become aware of this, I’ve started to notice, as well, that often after any service people ask these types of questions:

  • How was the service today?
  • What did you think of the sermon?
  • What was the worship like this morning?
  • How did it go?

But did you notice something in those questions? They all create distance between us and “the church” or the community.

These type of questions put us in a stance above or beyond what was happening by creating space for us to judge, evaluate, or critique. These questions pull us out of community to evaluate rather than driving us deeper into community to create and connect. While I personally want to pursue excellence each and every Sunday these types of questions don’t lead to excellence, because they negate relationships. They lead to distance, space, coldness, and critique rather than healthy engagement, relationship, creativity, and community connection.

So I’ve decided to ask different questions after each and every Sunday. Now I don’t ask “How did I do”. But instead “What did God do this morning?” Instead of critiquing I search for God’s involvement. This has led to a big difference. Now I often ask Krista these questions:

  • How did you and others sense and discover God today?
  • Were you engaged and ready to hear God speak?
  • What surprised you and spoke to you?
  • How did you contribute to your community today?
  • What is God asking you to do out of your connection this morning?

Do you see the difference? I think that difference is important because it reminds us we’re all in this together.

So this Sunday on the drive home rather than asking, “What did you think?” Ask a different question and discover a different way to look at community. My theological hunch is that going into a service searching for God, for how you can contribute, and connect will change not only the service for you but for others as well.

So this Sunday go expecting to meet God rather than to judge his bride and see how it changes you and your community…

by Andrew Mills

Chasing Bubbles ~ Developing Wonder

I’m just going to state the obvious. My son has more fun than me at any given moment. Seriously. My life compared to his is dull, dreary, and lacks luster. Any parent knows immediately this truth: kids love to play with bubbles proportionally more than we really like to do anything. Bubbles bring out this amazing sense of play, awe and excitement in my son that happens so naturally and easily.

This is important to note because Jesus says in Luke 18:16, “The Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.” And as I ponder this verse in connection with my son I’ve realized something. He has more wonder than me.

I think this is part of what Jesus is saying in this verse and that if we are to become childlike I believe it means, in some sense, to regain our sense of wonder. Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote, “The whole earth is full of his glory, but we do not perceive it; it is within our reach but beyond our grasp”. He continued to write of the importance of wonder, awe, and astonishment. I believe children grasp what we do not perceive as adults: that there is wonder, awe, and God’s presence all around us. If we want to grow closer to God we need to allow a spirit of wonder to capture us. Heschel says, “The insights of wonder must be constantly kept alive. Since there is a need for daily wonder, there is a need for daily worship”.

This is what I am learning to do through Hudson. I now stand in awe of bubbles as they move, sway, and swirl through the sun. We stare at the stars in amazement as he yells “that one, that one, that one”, as he personally seeks to discover each star in the sky. We slow down and watch butterflies dance across the sky holding our breath in excitement.  And as I do this with him he is teaching me wonder, and teaching me to find God…

So today do something that is truly “wonder-full” and seek to discover God as a child would, with wonder, awe, innocence and joy. Then share where you found wonder or who it was with. For me obviously the best “wonder-hunter” in the world is Hudson. So today we’re going to explore this world together and find God in the midst of it…go have fun!

by Andrew Mills

Kissing Dirty Faces

Today I started thinking about messiness, and dirtiness. I am someone who likes a clean world. And I don’t really like messiness in general. But today my little boy ran up to me when I came home saying “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” wanting a big hug and kiss.

The only thing was he had a really snotty face, his mouth was full of cookie, and when he gives kisses they are big open mouthed kisses. So did I ask him to clean his face first? No, of course not. I gave him a big kiss, runny nose and all.

The reason this struck me is because we all seem to have different tolerances of “dirtiness” in our lives. But the interesting thing is that depending on the person, our tolerance of dirtiness changes. Hudson running with a dirty face for a kiss gets one, if it was someone else it might not have happened. The point is that our acceptance of “messiness” affects relationships.

Do we allow people to enter our worlds who aren’t clean, perfect, and orderly? Do we actually invite people who are different, messy, and maybe even dirty and unkempt to journey with us? Would we be willing to kiss a dirty face?

This might seem like an odd question, but for the people of God it is a crucial question. The question of acceptance is critical for the church because Jesus demonstrates a radical acceptance of people just as they are. Jesus kisses people with dirty faces, and even dirty feet. People don’t need to change or to be cleaned up to come to Jesus or join his followers. Tax collectors, lepers, and prostitutes came and joined his group as they were without change. Jesus seems to be okay with a bit of dirt, and messiness. The question is are we?

Do we allow people to join with us, and belong without being clean? Do we expect people to behave like Christians before learning to following Jesus with us? Are we okay with some messiness, dirt, and grime in church? These are the questions we, as Christians, need to answer because if Jesus is okay with some messiness, we need to be too.

You know what made the difference for me allowing me to kiss my son’s dirty face? The simple fact that I deeply love him. Love changes how we see people. Love changes how we see messy lives, and broken hearts. Love looks past the outside, the dirt, the sin, the brokenness, and sees someone worth loving. That’s how Jesus sees us and we need to see people in the same way.

So the final question is this: are you looking on people with love? Do you see people as Jesus does? Are your actions those of Jesus, accepting people as they are and welcoming them in? Does who you welcome, and hang out with look like the same people Jesus welcomed and spends time with? Because if we want to learn to follow Jesus, we need to start being like Jesus. Spending time with dirty and broken people.

I can tell you when we start doing that we’ll discover Jesus in our midst. If you want to find Jesus, you need to go where he hangs out; and Jesus has always hung out where people with messy lives and dirty faces are. So why not join Jesus there, loving, accepting, and kissing a dirty face or two…

by Andrew Mills

Thomas the Train Meet Jurgen Moltmann

Hudson is a gift. Yet in life it is easy to miss the gifts all around us isn’t it.

I looked at the book I was reading at home and found this.

Yes that’s right its covered in Thomas the Train stickers. Life with a 2 year old.

But the odd juxtaposition got me to thinking. Here is a deep theolgoical work covered in stickers from my two year old. A book that is centered on deeply exploring the gift of life Jesus gives us, is covered with trains with names like Thomas and Percy. This odd combination though reminds me that while it is important to learn, it is better to live.

This little act by little boy reminds me that my faith is not lived out through reading theology, deep thinking, or even reading the Bible. My faith is lived out in my actions. Through putting stickers all over my house with my little boy I’m demonstrating love. Through meeting with friends laughing and enjoying life I’m living out the Kingdom. Through eating and enjoying a meal with my wife I’m practicing faith. Life is a gift. And while it is important to refelct on life, and to deeply think about God sometiems we can get so caught up reflecting that we forget to appreciate the gift of life.

So today put down the book. Put down the thoughts of work that cross your mind. Put down the worries about the future. Put down whatever you might be holding and enjoy life. Play with your kids, go out with friends, cook a brilliant meal. And maybe if your adventuresome put stickers all over the place…

by Andrew Mills

Saying “All Done”

I blog a lot about my little boy Hudson. This is because he is a huge part of my life. The other reason is because I learn so much from him. Jesus says that little children can teach us about his Kingdom. And Hudson did that today.

I think we all struggle between often not doing really bad things, but just doing okay things. We often choose to do things that are urgent, but maybe not important. You might not make the terrible choice, but instead settle for a rhythm of regular or okay choices. Hudson taught me this today.

I was trying to send off some emails before work, and to get a jump on the day. And Hudson was running around. All of a sudden he runs up to me, shuts the laptop, hands me a book, and says “all done”. He then grins, snuggles up to me, and says “sit” and “again” which means to read his book again. So that’s what we did.

What a good reminder though. That sometimes we need to say “all done” to the stresses of life, to emails, to outside pressures, so we don’t miss what’s important right in front of us. For me that was a little boy running around in his diaper wanting to be read stories. But for you maybe it’s spending time with your spouse. Maybe it’s connecting with a friend. Maybe it’s getting some alone time for yourself reading, walking, or a good cup of coffee.

But my challenge to you today is to say “all done” to something good, and spend that time on someone great.

by Andrew Mills

You are Known: My Personal Idiosyncrasies and Oddities

Isn’t it a great feeling to be known?

My office knows me pretty well already. They already talk about my funny idiosyncrasies. Apparently I use the phrase “let’s create a space” about 10 times a day. They know I love coffee. They know that I’m introverted and awkward at times. They also know that at any given point if there is music in the background I might sing a line along with the music, for their musical enjoyment (whether they enjoy my singing has yet to be proven). And that if they mention anything close to the Bible they are in store for a 5-minute Andrew teaching on any given subject.

But why does this all matter?

because I think deep down we all want to be known. We want to be noticed, recognized, and valued. Deep down don’t you want someone to truly know who you are? And not just know some things about you but pick up on parts of about you that you never really realized? I never realized how often I use the word “space” until I started working here. But my friends here picked up on it and made me feel known.

And isn’t this what Jesus is really getting at when he says the Father even knows all the hairs on your head (Luke 12:7)? He’s not talking about the Father’s great counting skills. What he is getting at is that you are known. You are seen, noticed, and he takes a deep interest in you. The Father picks up on your traits, and quirks and actually appreciates them. He knows how you love coffee, bad day-time drama, smooth or chunky peanut butter, or any other quirk ~ because he knows you.

So you have a God who knows you. Not an impersonal someone up in the clouds, but a deeply invested and interested God truly sees the real you. And isn’t that a beautiful thing? To know that you known, cared for, and noticed.

So today as you go about your day, doing things in a way that’s all your own. Know that you’re not alone. But have a God who sees you, smiles, and says you know what I love about…its this ________….

by Andrew Mills