Category: Personal Musings

Families aren’t born, but built.

10378542_10154825254920643_1753291384688482808_nIn the past two weeks, in my family we’ve had two deaths, and two funerals in a week. I lost my grandma, and my wife lost her grandfather.

I use that language in a specific way of “lost” in a specific sense. We, of course, haven’t actually “lost” them, as if we don’t know where they are. Both of them are with Jesus without a shadow of doubt. But their being with Jesus is a “loss” for us because we love and miss them.

And as I think about them both I’ve come to realize something important that they both lived out. Both my grandma, and Krista’s grandfather lived in a way that was unique. They both realized that family isn’t something you are born into, family is something you build.

Think about that for a moment, because it’s true, but it’s something we forget.

Families aren’t born, but built.

And both my grandma and Krista’s grandfather got this. They invested in their families, they welcomed new people into the family, and toiled at building a family that lasts and matters. And as I look upon their legacy, I’m reminded that they have a legacy because they built into their families. They didn’t just talk about love, or take family for granted, they invested in it, fostered in it, and created it. And I think this matters.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about my own life in relation to this. Am I building my family, or taking it for granted? Am I investing in my relationships, or coasting? Because building a family takes effort, it takes time, and it will last beyond a life-time if you do it well.

There are many things that push and pull for our attention: deadlines, obligations, and expectations. But what I’ve been reminded of these past few weeks is that what really matters is building family and friendships. Deadlines, work, and obligations will come and go, but family and friendships can last for lifetimes if we build them well.

So my challenge to all of you is simple: build family and friendships well. Because as grandpa always said, “listen to the wisdom of those older”. And some of the wisdom I’ve learned from both my grandma, and Krista’s grandpa is that family is built, not something you are just born into.

by Andrew Mills

I’d Rather Have Moments Not Hours or Days

10527813_10154423790180643_4129971613227994834_nI was listening to music the other day, and I heard this one line that really spoke to me. It just stopped me as so true. I’ve listened to this song multiple times, but for the first time I heard it. The line was this:

Give me moments, just give me moments, not hours or days.

And here is what I think that line means and why it matters. Life is not made up of hours or days lived, but moments experienced. Moments and memories give life depth, not just hours and days. And we have many little clichéd sayings that pick up on this theme (i.e. life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by every moment that takes your breath away) The problem with clichés is that they are actually true, but are so true and familiar that they’ve lost their meaning. We forget they are true, we skip over them even though we know they matter.

We all know a deep moment with your spouse, your kid, or with God matters deeply.  But we often settle for hours and days spent in the same space with our spouse, kids, or God rather than moments actually with them.

So here is my challenge for you just today, have a moment today.

– Have a moment with your kids.

– Have a moment with your spouse.

– Have a moment with God

– Have a moment with friends

Why not focus on finding a moment that matters today. Because that line is true, we need moments not just hours or days. Moments that matter and last.

I found this picture from the summer of me and Hudson. That’s a moment I’ll remember for a long time. So why not focus on making some of those memories and  moments today, because in the end that’s what matters and lasts.

by Andrew Mills

Delivering Movies and Doing It Right

10562975_10154540150185643_1634620271199633372_nMy kids aren’t perfect…by any means. Just come spend a day with us, and you’ll see. Actually, just come spend an hour and you’ll probably see that. We’re not perfect parents by any means. We love our kids, and do our best – but sometimes it doesn’t seem to work. Asher and Hudson fight, Asher refuses to eat and screams, Hudson refuses to share and throws his toys, or like any parents the kids have a meltdown in a grocery store.

I have a theory that if our kids are going to meltdown and lose it…there is always someone else around to see it.

But all that aside, sometimes my boys get it right. And when they do it absolutely makes all the timeouts, all the talks, all the time spent with them just so worth it.

The other day our neighbor was sick, like really sick with a fever so he couldn’t play with Hudson. So we went back home, and Hudson disappeared for 30-45 minutes. He was quiet up in his room…too quiet. This is normally when we’d go and and discover that he painted his room, or he painted his brother or something.

But instead, what we discovered was he was making cards, getting his favorite toys together, and his favorite movies into a bag. And he came and said that all of this was for his neighbor friend. I asked him why he did this and he said, “Because Daddy, when people are sick we help them. That’s what you said right? Did I do it right daddy?”

And of course your heart breaks a little bit with happiness, and you say “Of course you did it right – let’s go give it to him”

So I write all this to say one thing. No ones perfect, and there are moments when we fail and screw up as parents. But there are also beautiful moments where they grow, get it, and so surprise you that it just makes it all worth it.

by Andrew Mills

Where the Wild Things Run

480535_14231113The more I considered Christianity, the more I found that while it has established a rule and order, the chief aim of that order was to give room for good things to run wild. G.K. Chesterton

I love this quote by Chesterton, who was brilliant in many ways. Because so often we think of Christianity as a staid, rigid, and giant institution opposed to change, creativity, and wildness. But I think Chesterton is right, Jesus did not come to just bring rule and order but to let some good things run wild.

Jesus talks about the Holy Spirit being wind that is wild blowing where it will (John 3). Jesus seems intent on letting loose disciples to change the world through love and grace. Jesus seems intent on letting God’s love run wild throughout the world without constraints or restrictions.

So Chesterton is right, Christianity has established rule and order. There is nothing wrong with that, that is good as well. But its chief aim was give room for good things to run wild: God’s love, justice, hope, mercy, and grace.

I think that’s a beautiful thought and something the world needs more of. A little more of God’s love running wild, God’s hope, God’s mercy, and most of all, God’s grace.

by Andrew Mills

I cannot lead people where I am not trying to go…

1443938_20970553Here is a leadership principle that I live by. I’m sure I read it somewhere, by someone brilliant. But it’s a simple principle that I think matters. Here it is: I cannot lead people where I’m not trying to go.

I really think that this is true. You cannot lead people where you are not trying to go. And the reason I love this principle is for a few reasons.

  • Know Thyself. This principle means you need to know yourself and know where you are going. This principle focuses me in on self-awareness which matters so much in leadership. If you don’t know where you are headed, no one will be able to follow. So this focuses on knowing yourself, and your direction.
  • I don’t need to be there, I just need to be trying to get there. And this is so freeing. I don’t need to have “arrived” to have it “all-together” to be an “expert”. I need to be someone on the journey. So this principle is freeing and true in that it focuses me on progress, on direction, and intentionality.
  • Going Together. The last reason I love this principle is that inherent in it is this idea about journeying together. Leadership isn’t so much directing, and telling people what to do – but journeying with people. And that’s what this principle gets. Leadership isn’t about solo directing, but communal journeying.

And this principle really comes down to three questions I often ask myself, tied to those three reasons. First, where am I trying to go? Second, what’s the next step to take towards that goal? Third, who is journeying with me?

This helps me to stay focused and moving forward. Not perfect by any means, but progressing. Because I can’t lead people where I’m not trying to go.

What do you think of this principle?

by Andrew Mills

My Son the “Soccer Star”

I want to share something that’s kind-of-personal. I don’t think my son Hudson will ever be a soccer star like I hope. I mean maybe a miracle might happen, but it just doesn’t seem to be in Hudson. And here is why: he’s too compassionate.

Hudson doesn’t have that competitive edge that leads to real greatness in sport. Hudson is more likely to be found on the soccer field giving the ball to the opposing team (“here you have it – let’s share”), singing songs of encouragement while running around the players (“Go blue lighting!”), or upset that the team isn’t sharing back with the ball (“But daddy sharing is good!”).

So all of this leads me to believe that a future of soccer stardom may not be in his future.

But is this a bad thing? He might not have competiveness, but he has compassion. He might not have intensity, but he has generosity. He might not have that sports edge, but he loves to encourage.

All I mean by all of this is that kids are different, and each are shaped in a unique way. The point is to find ways for their uniqueness and special gifts to shine forth. For some that’s in competitive sports, and intense playing. For Hudson it’s not so much, at least right now.

But what Hudson is good at is coaching. Because that’s what he is doing right now.  He is teaching our second child Asher to play soccer. He is encouraging him, sharing with him, and playing great with him.

So he might not be a soccer star, but he might be a star coach. The point is we all have unique gifts; let’s not lament what’s not there, but encourage what is.

And on the plus side Asher has a competitive streak. He just tackled Hudson and took the ball, so who knows we still might have a soccer star in the family 🙂

 

by Andrew Mills

Jon Stewart on The Golden Rule

Just thought this quote was awesome, so a short post, with a deep thought by Jon Stewart:

“Remember to love your neighbour as you love yourself. And if you hate yourself then please just leave your neighbour alone”

 So much truth in that to unpack for another day… 🙂

by Andrew Mills

The Leadership Principle of “I Don’t Know”

??????????John Cotton Dana once said, “Who dares to teach must never cease to learn.”

I would agree with that, and also say, “Who dares to lead must never cease to learn”. Because the truth is that leading, and teaching require learning at their core. Leadership is nothing you are “born with”, it’s something you are taught. Knowledge is something you gain as you learn. So both teaching and leading flow out of a posture of learning.

  • The person who refuses to learn, refuses to grow.
  • The person who refuses to learn, refuses to improve.
  • The person who refuses to learn, stops moving forward and will soon move backward.

I think that’s all pretty straightforward, but here is the leadership or learning principle that flows from this that is hard. To be a good leader and a good teacher requires learning. This also means it requires saying, “I don’t know”. And this is what is hard for teachers and leaders.

They are used to being looked up to as the person with answers, with direction, with knowledge and skill. It is hard when you are in that position to say “I don’t know”. But being able to say, “I don’t know” is the fundamental posture of a learner. It is required to learn, to admit you need to learn. So here is the paradox or difficulty: to be a good leader means being a learner, which means admitting you don’t know things.

And this is hard, because we have somehow built up the expectation that our leaders and teachers would “know everything”. That if they were to admit that they don’t know we see them as an example of weakness rather than strength. But saying “I don’t know” isn’t a weakness; it’s a requirement to be a good leader and teacher. It requires self-awareness to know what you know, and know what you don’t. It requires courage to admit the limits of who you are. It requires humility to continue to look to others as well for direction, support, and growth.

The point is that if we want to be good leaders and teachers, it means being a great learner. And that means we need to get good at saying, “I don’t know”.

by Andrew Mills

The Leadership Trap

??????????I love learning about leadership. I have a book reading problem (just ask my wife) and many of the books are on leadership.

I want to be a better leader. I want to grow in my leadership so that the lives around me are better. This is a good goal. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. In fact, I hope everyone would seek to be a better leader.

But there is one subtle trap that reading books about leadership, attending leadership conferences, or classes (which I’m in right now) can create. And it’s this: we can trust the technique rather than God.

Now if you’re not a Christian feel free to skip the rest of this, because this is definitively a Christian problem. And here it is. When we read about a leadership technique, skill, or ability we start to implicitly believe that if we follow that technique good things will happen. What can subtly happen is that we start trusting more in leadership experts to deliver the right techniques to bring success, rather than trusting in the faithfulness of God.

The writers in a new book, The New Parish, put it this way, “Technique wants your trust, even at the expense of your trust in God”. And this is true. Whenever we believe that following a technique, method, or practice will bring us success more than following Jesus – we’ve created an idol. And in today’s day and age (especially in the pastor world) there is no bigger idol than leadership. That if we bow to the feet of leadership gurus our churches, lives, and careers will become more successful.

Now take this all with a grain of salt, as I am currently reading 3 leadership books, and enrolled in a leadership class online. So I’m not against leadership. What I am against is anything replacing or capturing my attention more than God, and for many of us it can be the practice or technique of leadership.

All I’m saying is this: leadership techniques matter, but listening to God matters most. And getting that order right is often the difference between learning about leadership, and demonstrating it.

by Andrew Mills

Who are those who matter most to us?

I know I’ve often quoted Henri Nouwen in the past few months here on the blog, but the truth is he is worth quoting. So I’d like to do that again with a few questions at the end. He wrote this:

“When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.”

I think this is so true. So here are a few questions that for me flow out of that quote:

  • Who means the most to you? Have you told them that lately? Have you shared with them why they matter to you so deeply?
  • When you encounter someone who is hurting, is your first reaction to share words of advice, or share a touch of comfort?
  • Who around you needs help today? How can you share in their pain and give them hope?

Worth reflecting on. Worth acting on.

by Andrew Mills