Tag: Parenting

When Your Kids are Better Than You

Surprising-Moments-970x546.png

Have you ever had a moment when you realize your kids are learning things, without you even realizing it?

This happened quite a while back at Christmas.

We had a busy day trying to get the kids out for school, catching buses and drop-offs. And, I had an early breakfast meeting, only to come home and realize everyone was still sleeping and we are now late.

And by late, I mean late.

It’s at this time that my son, Hudson, starts to ask about his allowance. About how much he has, how much he gets and if he can have it all now.

Like, right now. Like, “I need cash, dad.”

I respond like any parent would with a “No, go get your stuff on” and proceed to run around like madman trying to get things ready.

We make it out and I give Hudson $5 reluctantly, because apparently it’s a day when they can buy presents at school that they will wrap for them. And, he wants to spend his allowance money (hence the “How much do you owe me dad?” conversation).

That’s all I thought of it, until I picked up Hudson after school and he walks in with a wrapped gift. And, he’s proud, excited and shows me what he’s bought. On it, in big bold letters, it says, “Asher, Merry Christmas, from Hudson.”

He used his allowance money to buy a gift for his brother. His brother he often wrestles. His brother he often fights with like any child. His brother whom he loves and showed it with a gift.

Ever feel like your kids are teaching you?

Here I was all mad about giving him his allowance, and all he wanted to do was buy something for his brother. Because, as he told me, “That’s what we do at Christmas.” (He also told me that if I’d given him more of his allowance, he could have bought Eden something too.)

So, I write all this to remind you that sometimes your kids are picking up more than you realize.

And I think we need to pay attention to them and what they are learning, because truth be told they learn faster than we often do. I should have learned to trust my son 6 months ago, but I didn’t. And this last week the exact same dynamic played out again. He asked for money, needing his allowance, this time though it was so he could buy food for kids in Africa.

So I write all this because, while you think they are not listening at all, as you are just trying to get them to school, hockey or piano, they are paying attention.

And, sometimes, if you are paying attention, they have something to teach you.

Like how my first response when Hudson asks for his allowance should be “what for” 🙂

by Andrew Mills

The Power of Routines

routines-970x546.png

A week a bit ago, we ended up cancelling our services because of the bad weather, and the forecast of freezing rain. What this meant was that I was up much earlier than the rest of my family, looking at the forecast, and talking with my team and other churches, in order to make the best decision.

So, when my kids came down, I was already on my second cup of coffee. And when I told them that we had a snow day and we weren’t going to church, they all promptly started crying…

Hudson cried, “Dad, I want to learn about Jesus!” To which I assured him I could teach him about Jesus, but he said I wasn’t as good as his teacher (never mind that I teach people about Jesus for a living).

Asher cried, “Dad, my craft! I won’t make my craft!” To which I assured him I could do a craft with him, but he also said I wasn’t as good as his teacher.

And, Eden? Well, when I asked her, she was just crying because the other two were.

Now, in some ways, I know this story sounds like a made-up pastor’s story. You know, the kind that embellishes the spiritual connections of the family of the pastor. But, let me be up-front about something:

My kids are normal kids, and my family is a normal family.

We are not the rock-star, spiritual all-star family who have quiet, daily devotions with long prayers. We are a regular family who struggles, just like everyone else.

I share this story to point out, not the amazingness of my family, but rather the power of tradition, rituals and rhythms. Because, what gets repeated often gets missed. What I think this little anomaly of a story demonstrates is how good rhythms, rituals and traditions are missed when they don’t happen.

That’s what happened on Sunday. My kids missed our normal routine. They missed our regular rhythm. Because, routines, rhythms and rituals create huge impact over the long-term.

So, my question is this: What routines, rhythms or rituals do you have in your family? Which ones really matter? Which ones should you add?

Because, we tend to have family traditions around things like Christmas, holidays and Easter. But, what about weekly habits that draw your family closer? Is church a habit? What about Friday night game/movie night as a family? Or, saying one thing you love about your child or spouse each night before bed?

I write all this because very early on Sunday, I was reminded about the power of routines, and how they build good things within us. So, take some time to make sure you are intentionally creating the right ones.

by Andrew Mills

Daddy are you Strong?

DaddyStrong.png

The other day, Eden came into our room and into our bed, because, as she said it, “I scared.”

If you have kids, this has probably happened to you.

And so, like any good parent, I snuggled with her, calmed her down and then took her back to bed (because little kids are wiggly in bed and ensure that while they sleep, you don’t!).

When I took her to bed, I prayed with her, and ensured her that daddy loved her and that she was safe. It was then that she looked up at me and said, “Daddy, are you strong?”

And, I said, “Yes, honey, your dad is strong.”

“Like really strong?” she asked.

And, I told her this, “Yes, sweetheart, your dad is very, very, very strong. He is here and you are safe, and it’s okay to sleep and have sweet dreams.”

At that, she turned over and fell fast asleep.

Now, you might want to quibble or challenge the statement that I am “very, very, very strong.” And maybe, in your eyes, I’m not. Well, let’s be honest, in most people’s eyes the first word that jumps to their mind when they see me isn’t “strong.”

But, the point is that for Eden, knowing that someone stronger than her was watching over her let her feel safe and at peace. What she was looking for wasn’t for me to give a complex answer on the different magnitudes of strength out there, but rather to assure her that she is safe because of my strength.

When I went back to my bed then, the first thing that came into my head was how often the Bible talks about God being strong and mighty. We read of God being great and “mighty in power” (Psalm 147:5); that He has “acted with a strong hand and powerful arm” (Psalm 136:12) and is “mighty to save” (Zephaniah 3:17).

I think the reason the Bible talks like this isn’t because God is physically strong or that He has big muscles. The point is that God is strong enough that we can trust in Him, and feel safe in His presence, power and protection.

Of course, the world is broken and complex and, at times, bad things happen. I’m not denying that.

All that I am saying is that at some point what we need isn’t a complex discussion on the different magnitudes of strength, free will and evil. Rather, what we need to know, at a base soul level, is that God is mighty and able to save, and that He is for us and not against us.

What we need to know is that the One who looks after us and cares for us is “very, very, very, strong.”

 

by Andrew Mills

Celebrating the Right Decisions, not Just Disciplining the Wrong

Hudson Sweeping Driveway WORDS.pngHere is the truth about me and my parenting: I am far more likely to try to correct bad behaviour than to really praise good behaviour. And, what I mean by that is I tend to focus in on correcting poor behaviour and, while I’ll appreciate good behaviour, I can forget to really celebrate it.

Of course, it matters to correct bad choices, but what about encouraging good decisions? This is something I want to change in my life. I don’t want all my efforts going into course-correcting bad decisions, but rather I want to celebrate and really encourage my kids when they make the right decision.

The other day, we had a chance to practice this. I came home and found something totally unexpected. I drove in our driveway to find Hudson sweeping my neighbour’s driveway with her chatting away with him. Apparently, he was playing outside, saw her sweeping her driveway, got a broom and went over there on his own to help. He just took the initiative and acted.

When I went over to see him, Hudson told me why he was helping her. He said, “Dad we help our neighbours. That’s what we do, right?” Which I agreed to, and then he said, “Also Dad, she needs help. She is O-L-D.” (Hudson spelled it out loud because apparently he thinks older people can’t spell, and this, of course, was the way to share that fact sensitively. Now our neighbour is quite a bit older than we are. In fact, her kids are all retired along with her. So, different life stage).

But, here is why I mention this story: This was an opportunity to celebrate a really great decision. A chance not to just say, “I’m proud of you,” or “Great job Hudson!” but an opportunity to really show him that I was proud of him. To celebrate this, I got him his favourite donut from Tim Hortons, and we shared his donut while I shared why I was proud of him. For sure, this is a little thing, but it made a huge difference for Hudson.

I write all this to remind us all of one thing: What if you celebrated someone’s good decision, rather than just complaining or trying to correct their bad decisions? What if we put some effort into really encouraging, thanking and appreciating the surprising and unexpected good decisions that happen around us? Because, what I think might just happen is we might see more good decisions happen.

So, I’m learning to celebrate the great little decisions that happen each day. Because, I don’t want my kids to just not do bad things. I also want them to do the right things.

by Andrew Mills

Love Your Stage

I’m not going to lie, I was tired on Christmas Eve. After being part of five really wonderful Christmas Eve services, I was pretty spent. I got home and wanted to spend some quite time with Krista, but we got to bed late after getting ready for the morning. And, to be quite honest, the morning came much too soon.
Our kids were bouncing and ready for Christmas well before the sun was up. And so I dragged myself out of bed and tried to make coffee, while kids ran around yelling, “It’s Christmas!!” (and the boys quite literally dragged Eden out of bed while she was still sleeping).
As this happened, I looked out our main bay windows and saw no other lights on, on our street (that being because everyone on our street is 30 years older or more). But something hit me at that moment, while I was briefly jealous of everyone sleeping in – I’m in a stage that won’t last forever. And, so are you.

The truth is, having kids run around yelling and getting so excited about Christmas is a beautiful stage. When Asher opened his stocking, he screamed and yelled, “Dad, you got me Paw Patrol socks! I love socks! You’re the best daddy!”
This stage of loving socks as gifts will not always last.
I write this all as a reminder to myself, as much as hopefully you, to appreciate and love the stage you are in. Because each stage of life has beauty in it. Each stage of life has things to appreciate. And, each stage of life changes as time goes on.
So, whatever stage you might be in today and whatever place you may find yourself, may you appreciate all that you have – even if that means getting up very very early. 🙂
by Andrew Mills

Asher’s Prayer

Asher Prayer.pngParents, have you ever had a moment of fear about what your child was about to do next? You know, that feeling when you realize that what is about to happen probably isn’t good…and generally that always happens in public.

Are any of you with me?

Well, last month, we were at this large family gathering. It was actually a blending of two families and we were trying to get to know one another, and it was pretty great. Then, it came time to pray for the food and, just as the prayer was about to begin, Asher yelled and screamed, “No!” and said that he wanted to pray.

I instantly had that feeling come over me as a parent – when I didn’t know what was about to happen, but I knew it wouldn’t be good.

I was ready for more yelling, silliness or for Asher, in particular, more wrestling with his brother. But, here is what happened…

Asher said, “I pray” and then he started, but stopped and told us all to close our eyes first. Then he prayed, “Dear Jesus, thank you for being here at Grandma’s with us, for the food, let’s have fun. Amen.”

I looked at my wife and my jaw dropped. Because, Asher has never done this. In fact, I don’t think he’s ever really prayed out loud before. Most of the time, he’s the one talking through my prayer. In fact, he’s more likely to yell during grace than to do anything else.

So, I share this with you, not because I have perfect kids, but for this reason…sometimes things stick and shine through, so have hope!

Read that again…sometimes things stick and shine through, so have hope!

Sometimes, after fighting through grace at meal times, fighting through bedtime prayers amidst yells from your kids that they don’t want to go to bed and fighting through reading Bible stories while your kids wrestle…sometimes things stick and shine through.

Jesus talks about it in Matthew 13 when He asks us to sow seeds. And, here is the thing…seeds take a long time to grow, but sometimes they sprout and grow, and you get to see this when you least expect it (like at a family gathering when everyone is watching).

So, I share this with you to encourage you to hold onto hope. Parenting, grandparenting and seeing change in any relationship takes a long time. Sometimes, it just feels grueling, like you’re toiling for no reason. Sometimes, in beautiful moments, you see that it’s stuck and it shines through.

So, don’t give up, because Asher sharing a deep and beautiful prayer when least expected has reminded me, we never know what’s going on underneath.

by Andrew Mills

Toilet Paper Races

IMG_6814So I had this moment today when I realized I often want my kids to be perfect, rather than…well kids. And this happened when they had been quiet for quite a while, and I went to check on them and they were just giggling and giggling.

What I found was them racing toilet paper down the stairs in a giant mess.

And my first instinct was to get frustrated, to tell them to pick it all up. My first instinct was to be a fun-killer. My first gut reaction was I wanted them to be perfect (not playing with toilet paper) rather than kids (people who play with toilet paper).

But I realized honestly – they aren’t wrecking anything really, they aren’t being disrespectful, they are just being two boys playing with toilet paper. And it hit me sometimes in our quest to have our kids grow up well, we expect them to grow up too fast. In our desire to raise them well, we raise the bar too high. Sometimes we forget that seeing a stack of toilet paper to a kid is hours of fun.

So I write all this for one reason: enjoy those moments with your kids, grandkids, or neighbours. Don’t force them to grow up too quickly, acting like adults. Let them be kids and join in a bit.

So I gave them an extra roll of toilet paper, some tape so they could build a ramp, and then helped them clean it up in the end.

by Andrew Mills

Broken Phones and Broken Hearts

puzzle-heart-1-1141004-1599x1398So Asher broke my phone. Like he dropped it / threw it and cracked the screen…with a case on. I’d have a picture to show you but again – Asher broke my phone.

Now if you’re house is anything like mine when these things happen it is never when you feel filled with patience, lots of time to deal with it, and in a good space. Instead, Eden was crying, and we were trying to get out the door to pick up Hudson from school, so he wouldn’t be wondering where we were. It was then that I asked Asher for the phone that he didn’t want to give me and the throw / drop happened.

I was very frustrated (meaning mad and angry) and I kinda huffed and said now you can’t use dad’s phone or any phone again. And he didn’t say anything but got into the stroller, and crawled into the bottom and fell asleep.

As I was pushing him and his sister towards school God hit me with a thought, “what matters more, a broken screen or a broken heart”. And this is why occasionally I don’t want to hear from God, because when God speaks he can be challenging and convicting. I knew in my heart I was angrier and upset with a broken phone, than making sure I didn’t harm or break Asher’s heart when discussing it with him. I know inwardly I wanted him to really feel how frustrating this was for me. But that’s the problem, I was thinking about me.

So we came back home and I woke him up and got the other kids snacks so we could talk. And as soon as he woke up he gave me a huge hug with little tears and said, “Daddy I so sorry about your phone”. So I hugged him back and said, “It’s okay, it was an accident” because he hadn’t meant to wreck the phone. I talked to him, hugged him, and made sure he felt okay.

And this response only happened because God reminded me that what matters more in life is not things, but people. But so often that gets reversed. So often that gets missed. And we can be so quick to lose perspective, especially with our kids.

Because perspective matters. My hope and prayer is that when Asher grows older he doesn’t remember how mad Dad got when I broke his phone; he’ll remember how well I dealt with it with patience, love, and understanding. Of course that didn’t happen in the moment, but that’s the beautiful thing about life. We get second chances, and can make it right.

So I write all of this to remind us all of one thing: don’t let the little things get in the way of the big things. And in the scheme of life, a phone is a little thing, a relationship is a big thing. So if in anyway you’ve maybe like me missed the point, focused on a thing rather than a person, or overreacted – why not make it right today. Call a friend, tell your spouse your sorry, give your kids a hug and say you love them. Because what I needed that day was a reminder from God, that broken hearts matter more than broken phones and things and maybe you might need the same reminder today.

by Andrew Mills

Do You See the Good or the Lack?

12523184_10156725505805643_6099962064558674436_nThis week I started taking Asher to skating lessons. He did well…and by well I mean at one point he was flopping around on the ice like a fish out of water. But he did stand and skate on his own having a great time.

As I was waiting for him to come off, I heard a parent immediately share with their child how they can improve, what they need to do better, and how they can try harder. They were kind and quiet but still affirming all the work to be done.

Asher came off and immediately said – loudly and proudly – “Daddy I great at skating. I great skater”

Now objectively this is utterly false unless great skating means lying on the ice for 5 minutes. But I realized I had a chance to affirm the good in him or his lack. He was skating on his own which was new, learning to stand up from falling on his own, and he was trying hard (hence the tired lying on the ice). Was he gliding around the ice doing pirouettes…no of course not.

So the point though is this: so often we have chances and choices to affirm the good in people or their lack. We can affirm how they are growing, doing well, or where they are lacking. And I think we often choose to affirm the growth areas rather than the good already present. And I think that affirming the good in people is a little difference, that can make a huge difference.

And this is actually what God does so often as well.

He affirms the good in us rather than our lack: you are holy (Colossians 1:22), you have a new nature (Colossians 2:10), you are God’s masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). And if God does that, I just think we should too. We should affirm the good we see in others. We should celebrate the imperfect steps people are taking towards good goals. We should be people who affirm the good rather than the lack.

So of course I said to Asher, “You did Great Asher – you’re a great skater”

by Andrew Mills

Dad You Be Happy

UntitledThe other day I was feeling very overwhelmed, tired, and just didn’t have much to give. Unfortunately rather than owning that, when my kids – were well kids – and did something wrong I got really mad. Like no reason to be that mad. And I couldn’t shake it.

The truth was I was already mad before they did anything, their little lapses just gave me a reason to let it out. The sad part is that sometimes we don’t get angry with the people who cause us hurt, just the ones who are easier to take it out on (our kids, spouse, etc).

But my kids did something amazing, because I think they are occasionally better people than I am.

My guess was that they hadn’t seen me that mad probably much. Because Hudson gave me a hug, got changed, and went upstairs and went to bed on his own and just waited for me to turn off the lights. This has never ever happened before. Asher also went upstairs, brushed his teeth, and while I was putting Eden to bed came in and said this to me, “Dad this a happy house, you not be mad. You be happy, I happy too, we happy family.”

Sometimes with a simple little phrase you realize how much you blew it, and also how much you have to learn and grow.

But here is the beautiful part of parenting even when you blow it; you get to keep trying, learning, and growing. You get to take moments like that where you blew it and ask for forgiveness, and be thankful for your family. Because parenting is not a sprint, but a journey – and sometimes it’s your kids who actually point you in the right direction.

by Andrew Mills